Wow, I've not posted here for a long time. I feel like I should spend some time commenting on other's posts before writing this instead of just jumping in with a post about me, but right now I just need somewhere to vent and I know this is a safe space.
I am really struggling at the moment. Usually I can hide my depression, sometimes even from myself. But it's getting harder and harder to keep my head above water. It got to the point where I had convinced myself that it was time to tell my husband how bad it's got and make an appointment with the doctor. (I'm terrified of going to the doctor. The few times I have dealt with doctors regarding my mental health have been awful and have generally made things ten times worse.) BUT... hubby has been having some family problems lately, and his mum has just had some bad news, so now he's worrying about her and I can't bring myself to add to that pile of worry. I'm that desperate to vent that I'm writing this at work!
I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears and the only way to stop them falling it to hurt myself. All I want to do is bleed (or die - but that's another matter that I can't even think about right now because I will start blubbing like a baby). That's pretty much all I can think about at the moment. I don't know when the last time I cut was but it's been too long to be able to hide it from my husband if I falter. For now I've been able to stick to non-obvious things like fingernails/scratches/stabbing myself with a pen but it's not enough. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't do something to alleviate this burning desire to cut myself to shreds.
I want to stand up and scream I CAN'T DO THIS but I my body won't move and no sound will come out. I want to break and cry and show people what's happening under the surface but all I do is smile and laugh. I want to ask for help but the words stick in my throat and I feel like I can't breathe.
I am drowning and the only way I know to treat water is to bury the blade deep into my flesh and watch the blood pour out. But I can't let myself do that because hubby is the one it would affect and he has enough to deal with at the moment, without me adding to it.
I don't even know what I want from this post. I guess I just want to "speak" how I'm feeling and see if it helps to get it out there. Sorry for the long, ramble pointlessness... and thank you if you read all this.
Let the tears fall! They're there to release the pent up emotions.
I know that your husband has his Mum to worry about but you're married & should handle things together. I bet you're being supportive of his worries? So give him the chance to support you back. If you're really concerned then just tell him a small part of how you feel & see how he responds, just say you're feeling a bit down & could do with cheering up ... I know that's an incredibly simplified version of what you're actually feeling but if you at least mention some of it you may feel a bit less alone?
Or do you have a friend you can talk to?
I can understand your concerns with going to the doctor, but even if they're clueless on MH issues - which I hope wouldn't be the case! - they could refer you for a medication review if you'd want that.
Maybe ring the GP surgery & ask if there's a particular doctor who would be good to talk to. Not sure if they'd be able to recommend a specific doctor, but worth a try.
And if it helps you to just speak out about how you feel then stick around & there'll always be someone here :)
Aww thank you. It helped a little to vent on here. I'm not very good at talking about myself, especially about the way I feel. I'll maybe give him a fe days to process what's going on with his mum and then try to talk to him, at least a little.
I couldn't tell him. He got me a card and some stickers to thank me for "being his rock" and that just broke the thing inside me that was contemplating telling him how I actually feel.
I spent 5 minutes standing in front of the razor blades in Boots the other day. I didn't buy any. I know that I would feel so much better if I cut but I also know that I can't because I have no way to hide it from him. I feel sick with longing and I feel stupid for wanting it so badly.
Continuing my thread here because it feels more like home than the ranting/venting forum, so here we go.
I last saw my father when I as 21 (I'm now 32). Other than birthday/xmas cards (sometimes) and the (very) occasional email, I've not really had any contact with him (or my half brother) during that time. Yesterday, I got a letter from him saying that he doesn't know why we lost contact and that he would like to build bridges, blah, blah, etc.
He has a history of depression and anger management issues, and it sounds like he's back in counselling. (He has been before but always gave up.) The letter he sent me (and a very similar one to my sister) sound like something he is doing as part of his therapy, rather than a genuine heartfelt wish to repair the relationship.
I have no wish to see him. I put him on a pedestal when my mum took us away from him, because I was young and depressed and felt that us leaving was the utmost injustice. But I was also young and naive and didn't really understand the way he had acted, and therefore the reasons that my mum wanted to leave. I felt that he had been abandoned because I felt abandoned. I felt that I understood him because I too was depressed.
Anyway, mum always arranged the meet ups and made sure we saw him on a regular basis - even as we got to our late teens and I went to uni, it was mum who organised the meetings.
I finally saw the light at age 21, when I asked (after psyching myself up to ask, because I was always nervous around him) if he wanted to come to my graduation and he said he was busy before I'd even given him the date. It was like a curtain dropped and everything that should have been so apparent before was suddenly there in HD for me to see. I suddenly appreciated my mum a lot more. I realised that probably the only thing my father and I had in common were out mental health issues, and that the 'relationship' we'd had for the past 16 years (I was 5 when we left) hadn't been helping me at all.
But enough of the daddy issues (I won't bore you with more right now), maybe I'll work through some of those when I finally get the courage to speak to a doctor about how I'm feeling.
The point of this long and rambling post is that I don't want to see him. I have no interest in rebuilding a relationship that was never really there in the first place. (It was always our fault when he stopped writing to us - "If they wanted to talk to me, they'd get in touch.") Does that make me a horrible person? I feel like I should have some compassion because he's working through his issues and I don't want to hamper his recovery, but I really do not want to put the time, energy, and emotional resources into this when all it will do is appease his guilt.
I feel like I should try, because depression ****ing sucks. But I'm really struggling myself at the moment and as selfish as it sounds, I do not need this and I do not want this.
I bought a pack of razor blades. Must be the first time in 9 years. Sometimes I stand in the shop and look at them. Not sure what possessed me to buy them today, it's not like I'm planning on using them... Buying them seems to have brought on a heavy calm. Hum.
If it calms you down, fine :) I personally usually throw them away so they aren't easily accessible or there's not temptation.
It's never easy telling a loved-one how you feel, because a little part of you might feel scared about how they will react.
Consider going to the GP or just having someone to talk to, and maybe then when things get to normal a little and you can feel more comfortable telling your husband? Idk, just trying to be helpful I guess :P
you have to put yourself first. dont feel bad if you dont want to see him. Like you said, his letter seemed like a therapy thing, and not heartfelt, which if it was me would put me off seeing him more. If he's genuine about seeing you, he'll wait as long needbe, until you are ready and in the right headspace.
Have you told your husband how you are feeling yet? I know its hard and im not saying you should, but i know you probably should. just like i know i should tell mine how i feel but i don't. Hows his mum doing? i hope the news wasnt anything serious.
I do the same with the razor blades. I haven't cut with them for years, ive found other none obvious ways, which i didnt actually realise i was doing until i read your post, but i have a box of them in my drawer. A lot of the time i actually forget about them and then remember, take them out, think about throwing them away, then hide them again.
i hope you're ok. i'm glad you are still writing in here.
(> < ) This Is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world domination.
Thank you for your reply. It seems silly but it really helps to know that there are people who understand! And I'm sure my husband would understand (at least partly) if I could bring myself to talk to him. The stuff with his mum is still ongoing (messy breakup, she has her own issues - he ends up being the one to support her as she doesn't know many people). Also he's a best man this coming weekend so that's additional pressure! Maybe after the wedding. But it's always 'maybe after xyz...'
I discovered this morning that I can have a consultation with my doctor via the internet - I fill out a form and they get back to me in a day. So I might try that, as it sounds a lot less scary than talking to them face to face.
So I finally found some time to myself to full out this online doctors form. But if I'm honest with my answers and tick yes to the question about whether I'm having thoughts of suicide/self harm, it tells me to call an emergency number and won't let me finish filling out the form. There's no answer to say 'yes I'm having these feelings but I've had these feelings for years and not acted on them so it's definitely not an emergency situation'. I should probably just have ticked no and explained in the comments box (assuming there us one) but I got so frustrated I just left it and will try again later. And now I just feel deflated and overwhelmed and so so ambivalent. Like there's so much at the moment that is making me anxious but then the other part of my brain is like 'so what? I don't care. Let's just be miserable'
I'm so ****ing tired and those blades are so tempting.
This one was the first one
This one had a vice
This one here I like to rub on dark and stormy nights
This one was the last one,
I don't remember how
But I remember blood and rain
AND I NEVER SAW IT COMING AGAIN
From 'Made of Scars' by Stone Sour
Last edited by irkeninvader : 01-12-2017 at 12:37 AM.
Soooo like 3 days after I sumbitted my doctor's form, my husband decides to tell me that he's depressed and is thinking about going to the doctor. So I kinda had to tell him... I guess it's good that it's all out in the open but it makes me so frustrated that things like that seem so easy for him when it's taken me months of agonising over how to talk about myself to anyone. I guess it's different if you've just realised you've been depressed for the last few months and decide to do something about it vs you know you've been depressed for most of your life and have been too scared to talk to anyone. He's sorry that I "feel bad". It's like he thought that the depression suddenly went away when I stopped cutting. Although I guess that's what I wanted everyone to think. I'm just so tired.
Just wanted to say you are not alone, and I'm happy you are seeking help. Everything you describe is how I'm currently feeling, and although I'm not big on posting, it's nice to know I'm not alone at this age and maybe we're all in this together after all. Thanks for inadvertently supporting me with your courage, and I hope you are doing a little bit better today.
Thank you both. I'm actually en route to my appointment right now and logged on to try to distract myself, and your replies have made me feel a bit better. Still terrified of actually speaking to someone and kinda freaking out right now but at least I already put everything on the form, which they've hopefully read in advance.