I don't really know what I'm asking and I'll probably wind up deleting this because I'm so all over the place with this and don't know where to begin. It's looking like I've a possible DID diagnosis in addition to the joys of borderline, PTSD etc. It's a lot to take in and I guess I'm looking for support. I feel very alone with it. I'm sort of scared but at the same time trying to feel hopeful that this will help me move forwards. I don't know.
If you've been struggling with dissociative symptoms for some time, it may well prove helpful both in your treatment and in your own understanding to have a name for what has been troubling you, though I can understand it's a lot to take in.
Have the people suggesting the diagnosis also suggested what the best treatment and support might be?
This is a difficult diagnosis to swallow but with the right support and treatment you can become more integrated and your symptoms more manageable. I originally received this diagnosis and I underwent schema therapy to help with my symptoms and although it didn't cure everything I stopped switching so much. Now my alter is a part of my full identity and psyche that has made me who I am and it can be hard work to contain and soothe but I've learnt to contain and soothe which helps prevent switching and crises.
DID can be a lot to take in. I was diagnosed in late 2007, and even now I still have a difficult time with the reality of it. I am now seeing a specialist in the field and the work of therapy is difficult, intense, and can take a long time, but certain symptoms can improve.
Anyway, you're not alone, even though it certainly must feel like it. If you have questions or feel like talking, you are more than welcome to PM me.
Thank you all so so much for the support and sharing of experiences. I will reply properly later as I'm having a respite admission so only got mobile. Hoping admission will help give me a safe space to process some of all this.
Thank you so much everyone, I appreciate your support so much.
I'm tapped in with the local personality disorder service and am having therapy that should, in theory anyway, enable me to work on the DID stuff. Particularly helping me to understand things and accept them, even if that doesn't translate as action right away.
The respite admission was quite helpful at the time, gave me a chance to gather my thoughts and kept me safe. I'm struggling a lot with urges to self-harm severely now though. I'm trying so very hard not to because I want to remain safe enough for therapy. It's so frustrating because I want to move forwards and the DID diagnosis is a way of making sense of things and paving that way forward...but it also comes with so many triggers and confusion. I don't want to hurt myself for so many reasons and yet something keeps compelling me to and I genuinely have NO idea what needs to change or what that thing is. Having the urges is actually making me feel totally desperate and suicidal, I just want functionality (not even normality) and the diagnoses just keep on coming.
I'm really glad that the respite admission was helpful for you, but I am sorry that you're still struggling with self-harm urges.
I don't have any experience of DID, so can't really offer any insight there, but I do understand how upsetting it can be to receive a diagnosis when you so want things to be functional.
I guess, for me, though my diagnosis (schizoaffective) felt like a massive blow at the time (and still does at times), it did go some way to explaining what was happening with me and enabled me to access the right therapy/medication to help me to move forward. It sounds like you're getting some decent therapy, and that's great, but now perhaps they'll be able to tailor it to suit your needs a bit better.
Self-harm urges sound incredibly intense and difficult to deal with. Would it help to write down the reasons not to? It's good to have the reasons in your head, but it can be more helpful to have them in black and white. You could talk about them here, if that would help?
I don't know how long you've been struggling with this, but with me, time has been a great healer (such a cliche, I know...) I mean that, though things are still sometimes really hard, I've learnt to manage the condition a lot more successfully that I have done in the past. An example being that before August last year, I'd been out of hospital for three years after a time of being in and out quite frequently. I'm able to work, socialise and be happy. I'm not saying that it's easy, and I guess (but please forgive me if I'm wrong because I'm not an expert on these things) that with personality difficulties and things that are more ingrained and trauma based, it's a different road to recovery, but the potential for a positive outcome is there.
You're a great person, Epicene. Friendly, personable, lovely to be around. I really hope that you find some peace with all of this. Keep talking. *hug*
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I don't want to hurt myself for so many reasons and yet something keeps compelling me to
I get this. I've been through this a lot. And it's horrrible but eventually when you learn to listen to your inner self and nurture them you can work together on functioning more. Feel free to pm me if you like. X
How are you doing today J? I'm thinking of you. I don't have any experience of DID myself but I do hope it will begin to pave the way towards a more maintainable recovery. Like Aubergine said, would writing things down help clarify things and reduce the urges? Can you get yourself out of the house or immerse yourself in a film/game/book?
Thank you for your kind words Aubergine. It is reassuring too to hear that the frightening impact of diagnosis can ease over time. I guess at the moment I feel like I'm still reeling from it all. I am trying to see it as a vehicle for understanding things better but it's hard at the moment, partly made more difficult by my psychologist being on leave.
Arienette, thank you for sharing your experience and offer of PMing. How did you learn to listen and nurture yourself, if you don't mind me asking? I just have so much self blame and hatred that nurturing sounds really tough.
Aardbei, thanks for the suggestions. I did spend some time writing out reasons not to self harm, but unfortunately yesterday I did wind up doing it. Very frustrated and still experiencing urges, so I'm going to do the brave thing and reach out for help. Don't want a repeat of yesterday! I can't even describe how I feel, just quite lost and conflicted.
I managed it through using the therapy they offered me. Prior to therapy it was impossible but through therapy and the care shown by my therapist I managed to learn that I'm valuable and I have a voice and not to ignore any parts.
My little used to be very hostile and angry and suicidal but since addressing that now a lot of the time she just wants to play and it's my job to not neglect that part of me further because I have to nurture myself so I will invest some time in playing for example whereas before there had been little kindness and care in my life so I had no one to learn from but my therapist taught me a lot.
Hi J, I'm glad you reached out for help and I hope the respite admission helps you deal with some of the things you are experiencing. How are you feeling at the moment?
I'm not sure of how much use I can be, as I'm not sure DID quite fits with me, but I can understand how incredibly scary and daunting this can be. When DID was discussed with me, it really through me off and I did find it quite difficult to process. But I agree with others that having space o be open and talk about this with your therapist can be really helpful. Is there anything you are struggling with in particular with the diagnosis?
I can imagine your psychologist being on leave is quite difficult, do you think when they are back being able to discuss everything with them would help? Going slowly and being gentle with yourself is really important.
Take care of yourself.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
DID is pretty hard to wrap ur head around n it's a lot to take in at first but if u have the right support n info then it gets way easier n u will be able to manage it better
We were diagnosed in 2011 and are functioning much better since learning more about it, talking to people who have it too n having a good support system of friends (some with DID themselves).
If u ever need or want to talk u can drop us a message and we will always reply as soon as we can
U can do this! Keep ur head up n u will get thru it.
Arienette, thank you for sharing more about your experience, that's really helpful to hear. I think at the moment I have a pretty limited understanding of how I would nurture different parts but I'm hopeful that therapy will help.
Charmed, thanks for your reply. I'm feeling pretty exhausted at the moment. I do think once my psychologist is back and I have an appointment it will help clear my head a bit. I know my CMHT is there if I need it but it's hard to explore things with anyone else because I feel like they don't know the full story. I'm not sure what it is about the diagnosis that's so overwhelming. Part of it is feeling deflated that I have potentially yet another diagnosis, and worrying about how that reflects on me (i.e. being even 'crazier'). Part of it is not knowing exactly how I can act on the information. For example, how do I integrate parts and memories? Do I even want to do that? How do I present my 'main' identity? It feels like I need to make decisions and everyone says to take it slowly and that it's a process but it does feel like there's pressure to understand it and make decisions.
Thank you also Sparklenoot for your support and being available to PM. I felt quite lonely with this before posting and although it's sad to hear others also struggle with it, I do feel less alone knowing there are others out there going through the same.
Have there been discussion of treatment and therapy? Have they discussed what type or what might be on offer and helpful to you?
Are you NHS or private? I have had a few difficulties with the nhs in regards to understanding dissociation and dissociative episodes, but I have found support workers especially, in college and through one housing to be extremely helpful in talking, listening and trying to help me understand my experiences.
For example, I had a few episodes of drawing on the walls a lot when I was dissociated. I didn't understand it, but it was at a time when I had a strong little voice going on, crying, screaming, being angry and volatile and I was finding her hard to contain.
When I spoke with my support worker, she pointed out that children often draw on the walls, especially when they're acting out. From that I felt less scared and was able to allow her to vent, and do activities that help me channel that energy such as exercise.
I'm not sure if it goes away, but it is possible to manage better.