Gotta get this off my chest
Why do I come to write today? I am in pain, and am seriously grieved. I do not know what is wrong with me. Yesterday, I had a serious bout of depression, which I do not know the source. What can I say? I don’t even feel like crying is a possibility. It would help to relieve my unrighteous self pitty, but deep down inside, I know that I deserve everything that is thrown my way; every hardship. For the most part, I am a piece of crap. I am 25 years old, and have never had a girlfriend. I know that this is only weird in various societies around the world, and being that I am part of one of those societies, it makes me weird. I feel the pressure to have a girlfriend, and if not than I feel like I am chalked up as some kind of loser, that is weird, and not worth talking to, or being friends with. I also have no money. I did recently get a job, but even with good news like that, all I can think about is how I am going to avoid the question that makes me feel, and act so awkward, “So, do you have a girlfriend”. I feel like a complete loser even thinking about it, but society has a swift hand, and I have been crushed by it. I know that none of this matters, but then if you take the pressure off of me, I crawl under a rock, and hide there, comfortable, only later to realize that a year has passed and I am no further along than I was a year ago, financially, or otherwise. I am ****in LAZY. I can’t help it. Everything makes me feel like I’m gonna die. I can’t even go to the store, without getting stressed out. The stress to me has become a huge problem in my life. I have felt so much of it, that it has actually produced physical symptoms…**** me…I can’t stand it. When I’m in public, or around people, all I can think about is their ****in little minds, thinking a thousand miles per hour, about all the different ways they are better than me. I can’t stand it, and for the most part I can’t stand people. I feel all of their bullshit, as I should I suppose..I am only the gesture. Moods like this make me want to join the military, and go out in a blaze of glory…Believe it or not, there is a problem with that too. I can’t join the military, because all of them have had love interests, and me, standing alone, have not. They will pry into my business like every ****ing person loves to do, and discover what makes them stronger, or more dominate than me. I HATE it. I’m sure in battle, we would become brothers in arms, but leading up to it would get me killed, considering my mind would be thinking about that bullshit. Another thing is that being in the military doesn’t leave me any possibility of finding a girl. I could have had some girls in the past, but I have a fat and ugly complex, that is fueled by barriers put in place by OCD, depression, and anxiety. The bitch of it is, is that I never was like this until that damn oxycotten addiction. I was mentally healthy, aside from the occasional thoughts about what a cowardice, non-girl-getting loser I was. I want to go out on a date, I believe girls find me very attractive. I have a good personality, and all is well, until I become a coward, who doubts himself. I am TERRIFIED of a girl finding out that I have never had a girlfriend, and I don’t even know why. I have three options. Number one-I could avoid any conversation about my past love-life. Number two-I could just straight up lie, to alleviate myself of all of my obsessive doubtful notions, or thirdly, I could just tell the truth, and then look at her with that pathetic, look, of internal turmoil, that every girl finds so attractive (sarcasm). What the ****. I have actually thought that if I fabricated a few girlfriends, and a few experiences with them, I could not only make her more attracted (girls are attracted to what other girls want, or what other girls have had) and tell her about them. I would bring them up, only on cue, as any normal person would, and of course I could be discreet, saying that I don’t have the desire to say any more about it. She would understand, think I was normal, and move on, instead of racking her little ****ing brain trying to find out the mystery that is me…Believe me, when you discover the mystery you are so curious to know, you will not be pleased with what you find. This posses one problem…Would if I actually start to like, or god forbid, even love the girl. Then I have to face the lie straight on, in an even worse way, than if I had told the truth from the beginning. Why would I have to do that? Well, unless I want to move away, and never see any of my family or friends that know me so well, that is the only alternative. ****in damnit. When I was a kid, I always looked to the future, certain of the looming storm, but I always thought I had time. Well, as much as I desire sex and companionship, this “kid” thing has gone on too long. For goodness sake, I am almost 25 years old. I still think I’m ****in 16 waiting for my first girl-friend…Pathetic. I don’t intend to read this, because the whole idea is to get this bullshit out of my brain. I’m sure to a third party, it would be quite amusing, but what the **** ever. They can laugh all they want, because in the end, we all turn to dust, and really…What did you do with your life that was so much better. I tell you what…If I am ever on the other side of the spectrum, and I am looking to a person, who is like me now, I will have nothing but the utmost sympathy for him, and I will do everything in my power to lift him up, and show him the way…Not tear him down, and make him think about pickin up the Springfield, and expediting his journey to heaven. I have had one girl that you could call a “Friend with benefits”, and another girl gave me head once. That’s it…The full extent of my love life thus far. I’m not the kinda guy that wants to take advantage of girls, and **** as many as I can, but I want companionship, cause I’m tired of being just me. I want to be me, and the woman that makes me better. Growing up, I was always fat. Need I say that I was obese. I went on to lose weight, and when I was a senior. In the next couple years, and girls, I noticed were really attracted to me. I would go to parties, and they would approach me, and flirt with me, and because of the fat and ugly complex I got when I was younger, I wouldn’t allow myself to believe (even when it was so ****ing obvious) that they were attracted to me. They would do everything short of forcing me to have sex with them, and the only thing that flashed before my eyes was the disgusted look girls used to give me. I guess it’s not just the fat and ugly complex, but also the resentment I felt towards pretty ladies who hurt me deep down, when they would reject me. I wanted to hurt them back, and in a way, certain girls I was happy to reject. I gained a lot of that weight back Wanna know how I gained that damn weight back? I was so happy about the whole thing , that I started smoking pot, and next thing you know **** ME!!!!! Oh well, **** happens. I know that I will find a girl that loves me, because on a day -not- like today, I am very loveable. I am hard working. I taught myself how to play the piano, and carve wood. I have taught myself many things.. I have given speeches in front of many people. I am not scared to voice my opinion. I have been in plenty of fights. I have been told that I am a genius, ( I disagree…A genius wouldn’t have all this baggage). I have felt pain my entire life, from the moment I was born with a black eye. My dad was a drug addict, and an alcoholic. I began doing drugs at an early age to ease the pain. My Mom was the only good thing in my life, and she could be mean as well, because of how depressed, and angry she was at my Dad all the time. I have always felt alone, and I have grown thick skin to deal with it. Sometimes, I just wish life would end, because aside from the girlfriend and financial issues, I just feel beat down, and life has lost its glory. Growing up as a kid, I feel that you have all of these dreams and ambitions, that all never come true, and you just become depressed over it. I feel like life is a lie, and that the whole time while growing up, I have been following some kind of evil animal deeper and deeper into the woods, with the promise of better pastures. Well, I can’t find my way back anymore. I have lost sight of the camp fire, and it grows dim. I am scared that when I do find a girl that I love, it will only be a temporary solution to the problem of life, and slowly I will get bored of her too, and fall back into this dark, empty place. I would never kill myself, because I always find a reason to live, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be reckless and put myself in harms way, by riding a motorcycle too fast, rock climbing without a harness, skydiving, or anything else such as this. You know, come to think of it, I never feel so happy and alive, when I think there’s a possibility that I’m gonna die.
Last edited by random.swirls : 07-05-2012 at 09:23 PM.
Reason: Removed numbers relating to weight.