Freak out this morning
It's been a good couple of months since anything has really happened, but this morning my mother flew off the rail over something my brother had done. Even though it wasn't directed at me, it was the way she was yelling, more like shrieking, and it was the anger and hate in her voice, and the words she chose, like she meant every one.
And worse was when she started banging. She hits something, I don't know what, repeatedly, and I don't know if she uses her fists, but this is what she would do when she was so mad she would start banging something to get enough rage out that she didn't start hitting me. I've not really known her to do this with my brother.
It scared me so much, I couldn't move, I was shaking so bad, and when she had gone away I quickly got me stuff and basically legged it out the house.
I walked into college (about 2 hours) hoping to calm down, and the whole way I just kept having these memories of all those times she got mad about something and came at me about it.
It hurts, knowing that all that BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG is her "controlling herself" because "THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO DO TO YOU!!!!" or so she told me before, and it's knowing that she is only doing this because I'm not in the room at the time.