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Old 27-04-2012, 12:06 PM   #1
bleeding black
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Contains abuse - I really don't think I can do this anymore

I am SO tired. Of flashbacks, of body memories, of threats, call-backs. The threat of beng abused again.

I am also struggling a lot with an ED. I'm in hospital for other reasons but they are monitoring my physical health and have me on meal replacement drinks. I feel huge all the time even though I am 'malnourished and underweight'. I can't stand the fat,

I can't handle anything at the moment and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm very dissociative. And dangerous things can happen when I dissociate. I feel unsafe. I don't know what to do...

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Old 27-04-2012, 02:57 PM   #2
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hey hun i dont have much to say im sorry but *hugs* keep fighting you'll get through it xxx

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Old 27-04-2012, 04:04 PM   #3
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I am... right there with you. I dont' know what your exact situation with the abuse was. But I know that when I finally found a way to break free of mine I thought it would be over. I thought I'd be able to sleep and eat and smile and whatever else. But I couldn't. My head just kept replaying things, random objects brought up bad memories, and fast movements paralyzed me.
It's a terrible thing to go through. And I couldn't tell you if it will stop or can stop, but I can say that we're in it together. You're not alone. Try hard to keep yourself associated. Fight.

Good luck and be safe.

~Kris

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Old 28-04-2012, 12:43 AM   #4
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Thanks happiness,
I'm trying.

ReleaseTheory/Kris
Thank you. It's nice to not be alone I'm sorry you struggled so much.
We're having another bad day. We have to go out today to look after the dogs and go to the post office. I don't feel up to it. I'm tired and overwhelmed.

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Old 28-04-2012, 05:55 AM   #5
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I'm seeing the DID specialist again on Monday. He is very kind and gentle but the last session was rough and I was very dissociated. I'm stressing about that. There was backlash from that session. One of my parts came out and jammed my hand in the door a couple dozen times. Deep tissue damage.
I'm... Just not coping. I want this to end.

Plus I got weighed this morning and I've gained weight and I hate hate hate it.

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Old 28-04-2012, 10:10 AM   #6
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Can you tell the DID specialist about what happened with the door last time, maybe they can help make it a bit gentler, or the nurses aware that you'll be struggling afterwards?

I'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling. I know you don't want to gain weight but medically you need to to help you function at your best. I know you don't see it though so that can make it difficult.

Thinking of you x



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Old 28-04-2012, 10:29 AM   #7
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Thanks Aimee.

I am worried that if I tell him he'll be put off or won't want to see me again. I guess I'm catastrophising. I'm just worried. I'll definitely let the nurses know I'll be struggling afterward.

I'm really battling with myself about the eating/sustagen stuff. I just couldn't/ can't stand to gain anymore weight. I feel awful in this body.

I've had a big day today. My grandparents came and picked me up to take me to the post office to pick up some parcels (both my batman t-shirt and hoodie came! Plus mum said I could swap the t shirt for the hoodie since I'm so cold) and also picked up the Pandora charms for my very complicated ex-girlfriend's birthday. I spent almost $300 on her present. I'm a dick.

Then we went home and I tended to the dogs, gave them cuddles/pats/scratches/belly rubs, made sure their food and water was ok and did a few things round the house for when mum and my step dad get back. Then we went and had coffee and I bought more cigarettes.

I'm exhausted and I keep thinking about doing stupid things to myself, I think I'm pretty switchy right now, so not sure how safe I am.

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Old 28-04-2012, 10:36 AM   #8
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Can you tell the nurses how you're feeling tonight? Maybe knowing they're keeping an eye on you might help you to keep yourself safe. Sounds like you had a very big day - hooray for batman and dogs!

I am sorry I don't have more words now but I do hope it goes okay on Monday. If you don't want to tell the specialist that you're finding it tough, teling the nurses you may be struggling afterwards is a good compromise. Cause then you can do the therapy work but still make sure you're safe.

Keep going, I know it's tough... but you are doing SO well, and I'm proud of you. Don't give up, we're here every single step of the way x



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Old 28-04-2012, 11:52 AM   #9
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I might try and tell the nurses. I don't know if I can though I don't really know the nurse assigned to me tonight.

Hooray for Batman and dogs indeed.

It's ok, your words are enough. Thank you for them, they are appreciated.

I'm trying, I just feel like everything is just a huge battle and I'm losing it. Figuratively and literally. Nothing seems to be helping. Sounds pathetic and defeatist I know.

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Old 29-04-2012, 07:47 AM   #10
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I saw my mum today. She just landed back from Japan. It was good to see her. I bought her a thank you card and wrote how much I appreciated her and her support. She cried.

I put on a front for her which I do sometimes, but I was trying so hard to seem ok. But I feel terrible inside. I keep thinking 'is it worth it? Is this pain and abuse worth it?'

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Old 29-04-2012, 12:08 PM   #11
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Anyone?

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Old 29-04-2012, 12:12 PM   #12
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Hey Ash.

I'm glad that your mum is back, it must be a relief having her here, even though the front goes on sometimes which can happen. Maybe when she settles in from her trip you'll be less likely to use the front?

I know things are hard now, but I do believe it is worth it to keep fighting. Even if it seems hypotcritical for me to be saying, we're both sitting here posting for support which means we want to get through this, at least on some level, and that I believe is real. This feeling of being big you have, that is distorted because you're actually underweight, and the feelings of hopelessness and such that come with depression are those same types of distortions. They are the thoughts that need to be challenged.

Don't listen to them. Don't give up, please. Keep posting xxx



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Old 29-04-2012, 09:06 PM   #13
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Hey Aimee,

Thanks for responding. I know things are really tough for you at the moment.

It is a relief to have her home. Yeah I think I was trying to be upbeat because of the trip.

Thanks I suppose part of me definitely does want to keep fighting. But the other part really doesn't. It wants to give in, the pain is too much. I guess I have to keep fighting my way through even when all I want to do is escape the pain.

Thanks Aimee

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Old 30-04-2012, 09:45 AM   #14
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Hey Ash,

How are you doing today? I hope your appointment with your specialist when well. Have been thinking of you, glad to see you online tonight and if you're up to it, let us know how you went today. Here for you x

I know how it feels when the pain feels so heavy it feels like you don't want to go on, but it won't always be this intense and it will be worth it. You can do this, I have faith in you.



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Old 30-04-2012, 09:52 AM   #15
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Hey Ash,

I'm sorry things are so rough, but it sounds like you are fighting so hard which is all you can do.

I agree with Aimee about it being worth it. Think how hard you have fought over the years- there are so many battles fought and won over those years. If you were to stop fighting now, all that fight would have been futile. Having fought so hard, you owe it to yourself to keep fighting, and I think that you do want to keep fighting despite sometimes how difficult and challenging it can be to tolerate, and also, with the DID aspect, I would imagine, totally terrifying.

How are things going now? I'm glad that you're glad to have your mum back. Have you been able to chat with the staff about the things going on?






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Old 30-04-2012, 01:25 PM   #16
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Oh Ash i'm so sorry things are hard for you at the moment *hugs* I would have replied sooner but i've been in hospital. Just know i'm always here for you okay!



~There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin on
~


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Old 01-05-2012, 06:23 AM   #17
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Thanks everyone, Aimee, Dash, Casey.
I don't have much time right now but will reply properly later. I just wanted to thank you all so much for your support.

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Old 01-05-2012, 09:33 AM   #18
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Aimee,
The appointment with the specialist was really hard, really hard. He looked through Cricket's (one of my alters) book which is full of drawings and writings about abuse, torture and child prostitution, porn and worse. I was sitting there as he was reading it having all the images flash through my head. I was totally overwhelmed. But it gave him a lot of insight. He is now going to have a discussion with my Dr/T about it all and my treatment.

Today has been quite hard too. Just lots of memories and flashbacks.

Thank you for having faith in me. I hope it's worth it. It doesn't feel it.
And I don't know when I'm being discharged... Which is making me feel unsteady. I'm totally sick of hospital, I've been in for weeks and weeks. But I don't know that we'll/I'll be safe at home. Mum is really worried about me coming home too. But I don't want to stay in hospital, I want to go home.

Hey Dash,
I suppose I am fighting pretty hard. You're right, that's all I can do.
You are right too about all the battles I've fought in the past and got through. I don't want them to be futile. I just feel so overwhelmed. With absolutely everything. The DID can be very very frightening sometimes, particularly at the moment. I just want it to stop, everything to stop.

I'm not allowed to talk to the staff about any trauma stuff (Dr/T's rule) so all they can do is try and distract me, help keep me grounded and check on me. Which isn't so helpful at times.

Thanks Casey, things are pretty rough. I really hope you are ok.

Ash

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Old 02-05-2012, 12:23 AM   #19
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Having a bad day already and it's only 9:30am.

Already had a flashback. I hate them.
Don't want my sustagen. Feel huge. Enormous.

My hand and wrist are really hurting. I'm too afraid to tell the nurses there's been more damage in case I get sent to public. I'm in quite a bit of pain though. I don't want to be here today. I really don't. It doesn't feel worth it today.

Sorry to be pathetic and for posting.

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Old 02-05-2012, 11:02 AM   #20
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Hey Ash,

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling. Is there any way you could tell someone about the damage? If you were sent public would it be only for a short while? (I have been in a private hospital, was sent public, but allowed back when the risk had subdued).

You don't need to apologise at all. I know you're struggling, please don't give up though. I wish you'd believe me when I say you're clearly not huge but I know it isn't that simple. Remember though, you're being given the sustagen because you're undwerweight... not huge.

Thinking of you. Let us know how you got on today.



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