I have some questions about recovery that I wondered if people may have any advice on...?
I have a diagnosis of EDNOS. I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, and my weight went underweight, through restricting, purging, laxatives and exercise.
In the past 3 months I have increased my calorie intake to more than Ive eaten per day in the past 8 months - which is positive. With my increased calorie intake my binging and purging is less, although I still purge regulary if I feel Ive eaten bad foods, or too much. Ive managed to gain weight and my bmi is now not underweight (though only just). Im not happy about the weight gain. It bothers me every second of every day and one day im committed to getting better - I want to be physically healthy, and I want my periods to start again - but at the same time that terrifies me because that indicates im getting fat again.
Is it normal to literally go like this from day to day? I have one day when I will eat x number of calories and be pleased as its positive and I want to gain weight etc, because part of me SO wants to be better. But the next day im hating it and am back to square one.
Although Ive gained weight - I havent gained weight healthily - and this is what my question is really. I feel SO
hungry, when I have 'positive' days that I decide to eat and not (much) purge or take laxatives, I eat chocolate. Literally I cannot stop eating it. I do not crave anything else at all. People can eat takeaways, sweets, anything in front of me and im happy with my celery and lettuce, but chocolate and I just cannot stop once I start. (Ive been taking laxatives more and more again this week, because im so concerned about the chocolate intake)
Is it normal to constantly feel this hungry when youre trying to eat again?
And is it normal to crave something so much?
What happens if this continues and I end up even bigger than when I started?
I was feeling in control of it as I was doing so much exercise I was keeping things 'under control' but recently Ive not been able to as Ive been suffering from bad cramps in my muscles. I worry that without the exercise, and my LACK of self restraint
around the chocolate Im just going to end up huge and still feel crap and still be doing the binging and purging and just be bigger doing it, so no one will think theres even a problem, when clearly there is?
Im massively confused about it all. I bet I sound really stupid and messed up. I feel it. I can remember 18 months ago being able to eat a meal, order a takeaway, eat chocolate - and it was just normal everyday life. I feel a million miles from EVER
being back there, and I want to be so badly.