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Old 14-04-2012, 10:44 PM   #1
Cedrus
 
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i dont want to end up in hospital.

I'm so trapped. I think the home treatment team are giving me placebos. apparently today ive had 1.5mg of clonazepam, it doesnt feel like that! Im so stressed. I've just recently had a skin graft on my arm, its the 6th operation. I told my therapist i see myself dying by my own hands, intentional or not. I cant harm because i couldnt cope with showing the burns unit another fresh wound. so ive not been eating. but im fucking scared! the staples come out tuesdayand then what? What if i eat? then i will have to harm. i desperately want to overdose.

i don't want to end up in hospital, at all. things are fucked though and i have no idea what to do. my moods have gone mad due to the Researchers (and i know everyone says they are part of my illness) but honestly, im on enough meds that this shouldnt be happening.

im scared that there will be no improvement. that i will always be put through tests and always too scared to go out. i just want a damn life :(

im hoping someone can talk to me for a bit as i am feeling very dangerous and the crisis team stopped at 10 and the people from the hostel left at half 9.



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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Old 15-04-2012, 12:00 AM   #2
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For when you next read this, I wouldnt have called for help unless I believed you'd need it and thankfully I did, but this is cos I love you a lot.

I hope the police and ambulance treat you well and sort out the newer burns. Sometimes medications don't work, it doesn't mean they have given you placebos. Not eating and being very poorly can mean they are not as effective as before.

This period of acute psychosis will end, and the feelings will lessen.

Keep talking and text me anytime xxxxxxx

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Old 15-04-2012, 06:54 AM   #3
bleeding black
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Cedrus,

Things sound so overwhelming right now, I'm sorry for that. I hope that if the police and ambulance was called that you were treated with dignity and respect.
I hope you can get your meds sorted out because it doesn't sound like they are helping at the moment. I really hope you can get the support you need, you deserve it. And I hope that your wounds are healing and you are treating yourself gently.
Take care
Ash

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Old 15-04-2012, 08:30 AM   #4
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im bloody pissed off. my phone has gone missing and i am trapped in a hospital that i have no idea where it is. they wont let me home and have used that holding section or whatever. im not fighting help but i dont think they can help, im frightened, i dont know what these people are like. im in physical pain. ive been up all night. the police took my straight to the hospital and the staff there were lovely, but the psych decieved me, she said go into hospital for the night and the htt would come and collect me today, but the psych basically said that was a load of shit. he was so cold and cynical and i just cried. im bloody stressed and so tired i cant think, i cant think at all. i never want to eat again. im tempted to stop drinking too because im just fed up of this neverending shit. i just want to go now. i just want out. i cant even ring the htt as i dont have their number.

Thanks M for calling for help, i know i needed to talk to someone but i wish i wasnt in this situation.



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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Old 15-04-2012, 01:05 PM   #5
bleeding black
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Cedrus,
We're so sorry you are in this situation. And in pain and confused and frightened.

Can you ask the staff where the hospital is and if they have your phone? They might do.

You sound so distressed, I wish I could help. I really hope you can make yourself eat and drink, it's really important, it will make thinking straighter a lot easier and you will get well quicker. Try to fight the thoughts of ending it, it is so difficult right now but it will get easier, it always does.

Thinking of you.Stay safe
Take care

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Old 15-04-2012, 02:48 PM   #6
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eating, drinking,and sleeping are important.... restricting those may let you feel like you're in control, but lack of any one of them can intensify the psychosis and depression and harming urges... and, if you can get into healthy routines around these while you're in the hospital you are more likely to go home soon, and more likely to do well when you're at home and not need to return.

i'm sorry that you ended up in the hospital, it was clear that you really didn't want to, but it sounds like you needed some big help fast, and often the hospital is the only way to access that.




this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.

The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.



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Old 16-04-2012, 06:27 AM   #7
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I'm sorry for reading this late. I hope that things will get better for you soon. I'm sorry to hear you ended up in hospital again. The above advice is good. Keep strong!



PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10 (international classification for diseases, psychiatry section) or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-IV-TR BOOK and the BNF, and have a fairly large knowledge of psychopharmacology.

I have a visual processing disorder so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts.
I have autism and have problems communicating. I don't like chatty PMs.
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Old 16-04-2012, 06:49 AM   #8
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Thanks for the replies/support. I know i need to eat but its a compromise. a negotiation. I am drinking though. I just want to go home. They honestly can't do anything to help me. i'm being punished because of the IA and that posing a threat. Im angry, I saw Paul who I created, I know that might sound strange, but yeah, i made him so he would help me expose the Researchers but i was too frightened to go looking for him. There was my chance!

I'm always going to be too frightened to go out. A patient nearly well she pushed me this morning. Things aren't right at the moment.



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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Old 16-04-2012, 10:53 AM   #9
bleeding black
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Cedrus,
I don't have many words but am thinking of you.
I'm glad you are drinking, that's great. Can you try eating really small meals? I know how hard it can be.
You said you were being punished for the IA, what's that?
How do you feel about Paul? Is he a positive or negative influence in your life?
I'm sorry you are feeling like things are so wrong right now and that you want to go home.
Are you on any medication or are they putting you on any to help you?
Thinking of you.
Ash

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