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Old 16-04-2012, 02:59 AM   #81
bleeding black
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We got weighed this morning and we've lost more weight.
We know we should be upset but we are happy about it. But we don't want to end up with an NG tube. So conflicted.
Switched already this morning. Though not for long. Been doing groups.

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Old 17-04-2012, 05:19 AM   #82
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Really having a rough time with flashbacks

MASSIVE TRIGGER sexual abuse





MASSIVE TRIGGER sexual abuse




Lots of children all naked,
We are being r*ped by who we know only as Jon. With a penis in our mouth.
We are bleeding and in so much pain. There is a crowd of adults around us and other young children.



End trigger

We aren't coping.

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Old 17-04-2012, 04:51 PM   #83
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I'm really sorry, Ash, that flashback sounds really horrible. It sounds so painful.

I'm sorry you feel like you aren't coping. It sounds really awful. Are the staff able to help at all?



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Old 18-04-2012, 01:50 AM   #84
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Thanks Rosy.
It's a very painful memory.
The staff can't do much at all. Except talk to me to distract me. We feel exhausted.

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Old 19-04-2012, 05:02 AM   #85
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Saw the GP again today and he wants me to have a yoghurt every time we go down for a cigarette. I really don't see how we could possibly manage that. We smoke a lot. Luckily he didn't weigh us because we'd be so heavy after all the binging last night.
Had some more flashbacks this morning.

Cricket has found a three or four year old boy inside and is trying to take care of him. Cricket came out in session with T/Dr today. We are so very tired. T/Dr said we could have a sleep and miss group. We are so exhausted. Se said that was a bad sign. What a mess.

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Old 19-04-2012, 10:59 PM   #86
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The GP's idea sounds difficult. Do you think you could have even pne yoghurt during one of your breaks, rather than trying to do it every time?

I'm sorry you're having more flashbacks, I know they are so horrible. The exhaustion is bad too, I get really exhausted when I don't eat enough so it's probably not unusual that you feel exhausted too. I'm glad you're allowed to get some sleep, at least.

Always thinking of you.



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Old 20-04-2012, 01:29 AM   #87
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Rosy,
Thank you.

We don't think we could manage even one yoghurt. It seems impossible.

The flashbacks are horrible. We are sorry you know what it's like.
The exhaustion is really sucky, we just don't have the energy to do things. We've been sleeping (getting to sleep late and waking up a lot) but still getting sleep so that's not as bad as it could be.

We had our morning sustagen under the watching eye of a nurse. Feel terrible about it but she kept reminding us its t keep our body and brain working, which we want. We just don't want to gain.

Today is a hard day. In group we were talking about anger and one of the boys was talking about his cousin getting stabbed and it triggered us quite a lot, we haven't been stabbed before but have seen someone being stabbed fatally.

Not feeling good today, too many I memories.

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Old 20-04-2012, 07:53 AM   #88
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We saw the DID specialist today and will be seeing him again next week. It was a tough session going over our history and how our systems are set-up. Feeling pretty shaky. Needing to distract. Had half a sustagen. Couldn't manage the rest. Flashbacks are starting up, flooding, pain

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Old 20-04-2012, 12:45 PM   #89
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I've just 'come to' from switching and my left hand is so swollen and sore, I don't know what's happened. It's the top of my hand and I have a graze and a blood blister on my palm. I'm too afraid to tell the nurses in case I have to go to hospital for it. That might get me kicked out, I can't be kicked out while my plum and step dad are away. I can't really move my fingers properly.

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Old 20-04-2012, 02:13 PM   #90
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I'm sorry your hand was hurt. It sounds very painful and not being able to move your fingers must be difficult. Are you sure you can't talk to the nurses? I know being kicked out is a big problem for you, but I also think they probably don't want you to hide it in when you're in pain. They can probably figure out whether you need help with the injury or not.

The session with the DID specialist sounds so difficult. It sounds like it would be a really hard thing to discuss in such detail. Do you think talking to him will end up being helpful? I think you're very brave to keep going with therapy when things are so painful.

I'm sorry you're not feeling good. The group sounds very triggering. I'm not surprised you don't feel very good. Are any distractions working? Maybe you could try some drawing?

Thinking of you.



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Old 21-04-2012, 09:05 AM   #91
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Hey Rosy.

I can move my fingers more now.
I spent the night at emergency to wait for x-rays and get them
looked at. Nothing is broken. I don't remember much of the hospital at all though I was there for 8 hours. I think I was switching because the nurses were treating me funny. I'm not being kicked out but I think I have one strike left. Then I'm certified (sectioned for UK people).

The session with the specialist was really hard. I think that's what triggered the hand being hurt. It's a second opinion so I'll be seeing him a few more times. I hope it will help in the long run. Thank you for saying I'm brave. I definitely don't feel it.

I managed the group. I switched afterward though and Cricket did some writing. It was quite triggering for us.

We have nothing on tomorrow. Not sure what we are going to do with ourselves. Try to distract best we can I suppose.

Not having a great day though I got some time out with my grandparents. We got some coke zero and had a coffee. Then we went home to tend to the pups and I did a few things mum wanted me to do for her.

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Old 21-04-2012, 01:01 PM   #92
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What happens if you get certified?
I'm glad you didn't get kicked and were able to seek help, I'm glad you're looking after yourself.
I'm sorry last night was bad, I hope you get some rest now.

I think you are definitely brave. You do so many things that are so difficult, and deal with so many painful things, things so painful many people couldn't even understand them. You're the bravest person I know.

I'm glad you think the specialist will be helpful in the long run. Can you tell him about the effect the meeting had on you?

Definitely keep trying to distract. I don't have much to do today either. I'm going to try and do some drawing, maybe some writing.



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Old 22-04-2012, 05:32 AM   #93
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Hey Rosy,

If I get certified I get sent to a public hospital and will not be allowed to leave for a set period of time. I am very lucky I have private health insurance.

I actually had an ok sleep, I woke up quite a bit but got to sleep in.

Thank you very much, I wish I felt brave, I don't at all.

I'll be seeing him again next week. I don't know if I will mention what happened as I don't want to mess things up with him.

I've been having flashbacks nearly all morning. I'm exhausted. I might try and have a nap. I'm sorry you don't have much to do today either. Distracting is good. I will definitely be trying to do that if I can't nap and after. Writing is a good idea. I haven't been able to draw in a while, not sure why.

Haven't managed any of my sustagen today as I got weighed and have put on weight (not much) but too much for me to handle. So that is stressing me out and making things worse. Rough day so far.

Thanks Rosy
Thinking of you

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Old 22-04-2012, 06:44 PM   #94
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Hey guys. We haven't been on here for similar reasons to your post. Sorry we weren't around. How are you doing now? Please feel free to PM us if you ever need to talk ♥
-Mosaix Nebula



Previously unicorn-tears

In a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace,
falling into empty space
With no-one there to catch you in their arms


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Old 22-04-2012, 10:03 PM   #95
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Are you worried about the possibility of going to a public hospital? I'd imagine a change like that would be really scary. I hope it doesn't happen.

It might be worth mentioning to him that you found the last session so hard. Maybe he would be able to come up with some ways to make it easier for you to stay present? I really hope talking to him will be worthwhile. It seems like a positive step that you're talking to someone who specialises in dissosciation, I hope he has some helpful ideas.

Sorry you haven't been able to draw. I've been finding it hard to concentrate, but I have done a bit of drawing. Sometimes just looking at an object and trying to draw it can be a good way to focus your mind and ground yourself I find. Maybe you could try that some time?

I'm sorry you've been having flashbacks all morning. That sounds so horrible. I hope you manage to get some sleep and a bit of a break from it. It definitely sounds like a rough day.

I hope you manage a little sustagen this evening.



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Old 22-04-2012, 10:48 PM   #96
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Thank you flutterby butterfly,
We are struggling quite a lot. Hopefully we get to see our T/Dr today.

Up early this morning, bad nights sleep. Lots of nightmares. Waking up to flashbacks. Rough night. Pretty tired now.

Rosy,

We really hope it doesn't happen either. It would be very scary. We've been to several public hospitals and they aren't pleasant at all they are horrible.
We are so luck, so lucky to have this place.

We may bring it up with him, we just don't want to halt the process or screw it up. But he may have some helpful ideas you're right. It is a positive step, true.

It sucks not having the concentration to draw, but maybe we will try and get back into it, because it has helped in the past.

The morning was rough and so was the evening. I distracted most of the afternoon. Was remembering but not having any more flashbacks until the evening and the afternoon staff were useless.

We didn't have our sustagen at all yesterday, it all went down the sink. We are disappointed in ourselves but we just couldn't force it down.

Today feels like a bad day. We hope it isn't.

Thanks Rosy.


Last edited by bleeding black : 23-04-2012 at 07:34 AM. Reason: Typo
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