I am so sorry that you had to deal with such a difficult situation. I can't imagine the stress of being forced to endure triggering and upsetting material just to keep your job. FWIW I think that took significant strength and courage, and I don't know if I could have done the same.
Originally Posted by Shrink
Now i just think i shouldnt be doing my job. How can someone this crazy look after people? Be responsible for vulnerable adults? How can i look after someone if i cant look after myself?
I think your self-doubts are normal reactions given your circumstances. Sometimes helping others can be beneficial for our self-esteem, keep our mind off our own problems for a bit, and help us deal with our own issues better. But the degree to which we help is an individual choice, based on how safe and solid we're feeling. (It sounds like your work environment makes you feel neither.) You may be a great person to work with vulnerable adults (regardless of how "crazy" you perceive yourself) because you may be able to offer them the compassion and understanding others can't. Or you may find it's counterproductive and too hurtful for yourself, and a less relatable care situation is better for you. It's your decision.
There's also the possibility that right now you need to spend your energies healing yourself instead of others, maybe finding more solid boundaries and more effective coping strategies. Then maybe in the future you'll be ready to do this kind of work (if you want to).
You asked "How can i look after someone if i cant look after myself?" and IMO that's an important point. There's definitely the theory that until we learn to take care of ourselves in a healthy way, emotionally and physically, we are limited in our capacity to help other people. I believe the saying is, "secure your own oxygen mask, before attempting to assist others." ;) However, I don't believe you need to be perfect to help people. I think chronic self-doubt is common for victims/survivors of abuse, so part of what you're feeling may just be that. Part of it may also be your body telling you that this is not yet the right time for this job, or that you'll need a better support network if you continue this job.
Originally Posted by Shrink
I've been suspended from another forum for persistent triggering posts, but i literally just dont have normal boundaries anymore. What if that goes further? I'm terrified of that saying, that people who abuse have often been abused themselves, what if that turns out to be me?
As I mentioned above, the boundary thing may be serious and it may be necessary to first work on that for your health and safety, I don't know. Perhaps it may help to look at the specific boundary issues you have and see if they really relate to potential risk for the patients? For example, have you ever repeated the abuse you received onto another person before? Ever violated someone's physical or sexual boundaries? Do you have a habit of striking people when you are scared or angry? If yes, then you may want to speak with a professional on how to deal with those issues first.
If your boundary issues more internalized, or minor social infractions, this may just be your self-doubt and confusion talking.
As someone who was abused, by parents who themselves appeared to have been caught in a cycle of abuse, I understand that fear of "will I hurt someone because I can't stop myself or I'm permanently broken?" I had that fear for a long time after leaving my abusers, but FWIW I found that just being mindful of that issue kept me from having that problem. The same way that taking time to ask yourself "am I good person? could I do better?" is itself a sign of a good person who cares. Of course, there was also a bunch of therapy in there, so learning healthier ways to express fear, anger and frustration helped.
I hope some of that rambling helps in some way. I'm afraid I can't provide answers, just support.