A, my therapist does know because I send her my rants to read every week, but we're focusing on what happened to me when I was 13 and im struggling with that. i feel i need to focus on whats going on for me right now and maybe we can talk about it this week.
Its either that i need someone to hurt me in a violent way, or I need to hurt someone in that manner. The need is getting more determined if that makes sense. x
Do you think maybe it's easier to focus on something hurting you in the present where you may feel you have some control, rather than focusing on someone hurting you in the past that you can't change and have no control over?
Both are equally as hard, but i guess the past has happened and no I cant change it and therefore have no control. But in a way i dont feel i have control over this...i think i will get to that point and it will just happen, like an explosion in my head. It will just happen. I wish I could find the words to explain
Thank you for the hugs and the replies..thank you x
I dont know why I feel this way and feel a bit confused by it all.
I had therapy today, and she did explain it to me and how it is all linked to my past and its due to a certain way of thinking. Apparently I do have pathological thoughts and whether that is linked to this i dont know. We are dealing with very difficult issues right now, so maybe that has triggered this type of thought. I dont know. I know i spent most of this afternoon searching the internet for someone who could hurt me...I dont really understand except that i have an overwhelming need to be punished...and maybe have the need to relive what ive been through...i really dont know. Its a need and its real and its there. x
Hello Grace, I just thought I'd jump in and also let you know that you're not alone. I've certainly felt this way before.
I'm sorry that these are the kind of thoughts you're experiencing right now, though. Is it something you're prepared to share with your therapist? As hard as the issues that you're dealing with right now are, it's important that you stay safe in the mean time whilst you get through them. I can understand the want to have someone hurt you, but please try to stay safe. It's understandable but isn't healthy.
What's going on today/(yesterday)?
Is there a reason why you can't talk to your GP - is it them, or because it's a guy, or do you find it difficult to trust generally? If it's something to do with them, it might be an option to consider changing GPs.
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't.
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed.
My gp is a good gp and i trust him, have been under his care for several years. Its just that its difficult to talk to a male about the issues im struggling with. To be honest im not sure whats brought this on, the need. It could be that im dealing with difficult issues in therapy, I dont know.
But i keep searching and then delete my history as im scared of being found out that im looking for such things..i dont know. i dont know x
Have you thought through what would happen/how you would feel in that situation? My gut feeling is it would trigger a huge flashback and you would feel very scared, vulnerable, triggered, anxious, lost and alone - which I don't think is what you're wanting from the experience. I think you're wanting to be hurt/punished because you're slowly realizing its not healthy to do it to yourself, you can blame the other person if they do it, even if you set it upm you could play the victim role because someone had done it to you... does that make sense? In reality no-one's going to do that for you. love you x
Mand, 26, South Wales, Mummy to Chloe and jelly-baby Ella-Mae
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I've felt that way too, particularly in the last few months, but I've felt it before as well.
I don't know why I feel it - a big part of me is terrified of being hurt again, but there's an undeniable part that desperately wants to be hurt again, needs to be.
I wish i could help you - but you're definitely not alone x
I'm sorry I don't have many words, I just wanted to say that I really admire your strength to be trying to be open and honest with your GP and in therapy. You're a wonderful person and you didn't deserve any of what happened to you and certainly wouldn't deserve anything similar to happen again.
Mand. Leah, Rach and Bethany...thank you so much for your replies, They mean so very much.
Maybe youre right Mand. I dont know. But im not allowed to hurt myself anymore or we will have to have a joint appointment with my therapist where ill have to tell him how things really are and i cant do that. If someone else hurts me, its not me giving me the punishment x
Leah...gentle hugs. Im sorry you too have felt this way and still do. Wish I could help you, am always about if you wish to pm me. Thank you for your reply, it kind of helps to know that im not alone. Though I wouldnt wish this on anyone x
Love you too rach..have messaged you on fb. I can understand where youre coming from and it must be incredibly difficult to comprehend the need when youve suffered somuch. I dont know as i have too, but still need to find a way to punish me x
Bethany, thank you for your kind words. I dont know if im brave, infact i want to gather it all back inside me right now. And I know that come therapy day, though ive emailed her telling her that i dont ever want to speak of it all again...she will encourage me to in the nicest way possible. Hope youre ok hun x
Thank you xx
Last edited by ~Grace~ : 29-04-2012 at 12:47 PM.
Reason: to add a bit