I hate that you are never there. I don't understand how you can just abandon me all the time. you have no idea how crushed and depressed I get when you go down there all the time. All I wanted was your love, to hear how I am good and doing well in your eyes... too bad I never get it... it hurts to see you choose favoritism and choose them over me
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
The God's honest truth in all of this is; I do not plan on being here to see the end of July. I do not want to be and I'm terrified what being here is going to do to me. I'm scared to live but damn I'm even more scared of myself right now. I have no one.
I just want to talk about this with someone that actually understands. I may have gained weight, I may not be the lowest bmi but all the same thoughts are still there. I got to my highest weight before uni through binging and purging and now I've been working my ass off getting it all back off again. The behaviours are 'escalating' apparently but i'm not the right weight. I'm not good enough. No one takes you seriously when you look like this.
STOP SCREAMING AT US! STOP SHOUTING AND WHINING! JUST STOP SCREAMING AND GO TO BED, YOU'RE MAKING ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF!
Please just shut up and go to sleep. I honestly cannot handle you screaming anymore.
I wish you could see how much I hurt too, how much my heart was broken. It wasn't just you - I wish you could see that. It's so hard to see how far you've come and how you have moved on and I'm still here. Still where I was, still broken, still hurting and still wanting your love and acceptance. You remind me of all the things I hate about myself, I am so so ashamed of what I did and what you think I did. All I can do is keep my distance, it's best for the both of us. Just, please, know I'm sorry and I never meant to hurt you.
It hurts to see you with her too. She was mine and now she has chosen you and it hurts. It is the least I deserve I guess, but that doesn't stop it hurting. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
K, I think you deserve so much more than her. And D, I need you to know the pain I go through. I need you to know I was raped, beat, and I'm a SHer. And to all my friends and family that I know wouldn't accept this.. I've been bisexual my whole life, and to know you would hate me for it makes it all the harder not to hate myself...
~ I'll Paint You A Picture, I'll Paint It With A Twist, I'll Paint It In Red, With The Canvas On My Wrist.~