Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Blackpool, UK
I am currently:
Justice- Long but please read if you feel like giving up!
So, ive wanted to do this for a long time. Infact i've needed to do this more than anything and today feels the right time to do it. I'm no good with speaking words, but when i put pen to paper i feel free, words come rushing out i have so much to say because im not ashamed, you may judge me but atleast i wont be there when you do. Anyway, im going to talk about how life does nasty things to us and we dont know how to cope or what to do at the time but somewhere down the line you realise it was ment to happen. Im a great believer in 'things happening for a reason.' Good or bad in the end it will all make sense why it has happened. Life is a journy, your forever learning, tomorrow is a new lesson to be learnt. If you take the time to read this you will understand why i believe in that saying.
Im going to get straight to the point, i was a victim of sexual abuse, i was at the mercy of a pedophile for going on 4 years. It was my best friends step dad, somewho whom I and everyone else trusted. These kind of people are deciving, they're very smart people and know exactly what they are doing. Some may say its a mental illness, yes it is but that gives them no excuse for their actions they take a young vulnerable children's innocence away from them. Maybe at the time the victim sees nothing wrong with it, i sure didnt he made me believe we was in a realtionship and made me feel wanted. He groomed me very, very well so he could get what he wanted, and looking back now i feel so stupid but i wasnt to know. I only reaslised that it was wrong when i was turning 13 but by then it was to late, i had fallen into his trap like a fly flying into a spiders web i was trapped with no way out.
Every encounter i had with him is carved into my brain, i shall never forget them, as much as i wanted to i just couldnt i have tried so hard. Even when im not thinking of him i get flash backs of things he done to me, places he took me and the things he said to me. Everytime we was alone he saw his chance to take advantage of me, no matter where we was he'd do it. I wont go into detail of anything he done, because im sure you dont want to read that. All i can say about what he done was evil, i was his guilty pleasure. When he finished with me id be numb, the things id done were horrible but after being bullied in school for years, you'd do anything to feel loved? and that was the sacrafice i made, he made me feel beautiful- he made me fall in love with his words, his poison.
I finally told my mum on the 6th January 2009 at 6.30pm. It was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life, i walked from my room to the stairs 5 times trying to shout my mum to come upstairs but nothing came out of my mouth. It was the 6th time i plucked up the courage to tell her to come upstairs. I started with 'Mum i have something to tell you and your not going to be happy' she replied 'Are you pregnant?!' ( i bet she wished that what i was going to tell her after what my family have been through.) but no i told her i was abused by this creature she didnt know how to react, she went down stairs and rang my auntie i walked into the living room and she was sat there crying her eyes out. I felt terrible i made my mother cry, the person i love the most in the world, my best friend. I know it wasnt my fault he done those things to me but i cant help but feel bad for putting my family through all of this pain.
My auntie and cousin came round to my house everyone was crying, i didnt understand why- i guess i got used to the idea that i was abused, i had 5 years to deal with it before all of them. The police came round after my auntie called them, i started to tell them what happened, i said one sentence and my mum had to leave the room she couldnt take anymore. I couldnt leave any detail out they had to know what happened to me, my auntie stayed by my side whilst i told this young policewoman what happened. I told her main events that i remember like the first time, on special occasions in different places as to where it usually happened and the very last time it happened on Bonfire night. I guess that was the start of the recovery process, speaking up. I was told i had to do a video interview and go for an examination, not something you want to do at the age of 15, its very embarrasing.
After he had been arrasted he was interviewed and a court date was set, i was terrified of going to court i went to the Preston Crown Court to have a look around to get used to it, didnt make me feel any better really i still had sleepless nights because of fear, anxiety. The first time i got adjurned, which was to be expected. The second time i had to go through the process of waiting again, the anticipation was crippling just to be told that it was adjurned again and this time it was for a reason that would destroy me, it happened to my best friend, the girl i thought of as a younger sister. I was heart broken i could have stopped that by talking sooner! and i didnt im so stupid! Finally, another court date was set, and yes you guessed, it was adjunred again- or so i thought, later i found out that it had been thrown out of court and i MUST express that it wasnt because of me that it was thrown out, not because i was lying but because my best friend, that other young victim's mother, yes mother was having an affer with the detective investigating the police!?! Why? just why would you jepordise a case that serious especially when the defence was someone who abused your daughter! That broke me, i couldnt believe it i fought so hard to re open the case but i couldnt because the woman that slept with the detective was one of the main witness' i didnt know what to do, she and that detective had just let a pedophile walk free.
Just when i thought it was over, i got a phone call telling me that i had the chance to take Gordon( the pedophile) to court again but on a civil matter, he had children and he wanted them back and because i had made the alligations that i did he had to go through court. I was confused, scared i had so many emotions going through my body i didnt know what to think but obviously i said yes, because if it killed me i would get my day in court ! and i did, in Feburary 2012, 3 years on i got my day in court, actually i got 2 days in court. I was questioned by 7 barriesters- it was the worse experience of my life, i was made out to be a liar by Gordons barriester several times but i put her in her place because his defence was rediculous, he was trying to say i was a obsessed with him and i watched to much tv and this was put in to my head by the things that i have watched such as Eastenders when Whitney was abused, yes .. stupid i know! I stood my ground and i told my story, i had to stop a few times because i had to go into detail of everything he had done to me in front of about 30 people, id never spoke about the physical things before that day and i had to tell everyone everything i felt so small. it was horrible! Anyway, my 2 days in court was over i said what i wanted looked them in the eyes told the truth and held my head up high, and you know what? it paid off! i won it, the judge found findings in my favour on every subject talked about and he isnt allowed his children, i couldnt protect me or my friend but i have protected 5 other innocent little children. It was the happiest day of my life the first time in 3 years that i cried for joy.
What im trying to say is things happen to people and you have to decide how to deal with it you can make it a positive of it, you can just let it get the better of you. I was letting this get the better of me, i was unsociable i lost all my confidence and i self harmed for years and my lowest point was when i overdosed, i knew then that i had to change and make this the fuel i needed to make something of myself now i have ambition and i know what i want in life i want to be in the Public Services helping people like me. No matter how much you want to give up on something, dont!Persevere and you will achieve what you want. I got what i wanted and that was justice and closure and im so proud of myself because all i ever wanted to do was give up. Now i can use the lessons ive learned from the yesterdays to cope with my tomorrows.
Thank you for reading and i just hope that you can take this and let it help you realise that you can do anything and things are ment to happen. Your strong enough to get through them, believe in yourself and you can reach for the stars and be happy.