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Old 11-04-2012, 01:09 PM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Moe, Australia
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I'm so afraid of recovery!

I've been suffering from bulimia for five years. Very recently I was diagnosed with gastro oesphageal reflux disease (GORD), my GP and dietitian are quite concerned about this as they worry that left unchecked I could develop oesphageal cancer. Fair enough I guess.

I've been told that I need to stop purging, and I have been trying but I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere even though I want to stop and need to stop. I've come to the realisation that there's a certain safety in remaining bulimic, because if I can expect to die then I don't have to plan for my life. If I don't have to life my life then I can't feel like I'm a failure. Although by slowly killing myself I am failing at living my life anyway!

I have no idea how to be happy, I have no idea what I genuinely want in life, and I'm terrified that if I begin to really enjoy my life then it'll all turn to crap and I'll be devastated -- worse still I'll have no way to cope with these feelings. I don't know how to fix this,

Any advice or thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated!

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Old 11-04-2012, 01:17 PM   #2
sapphire hearts
Maybe it's too late to live and feel safe
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Scotland
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The idea of living life can be very scary honey, I know. But there are so many things that can be enjoyed in life without either succeeding or failing. Now that you know you have to get help, that's a really positive step, even if you feel like it's not going so well. I know that there's a certain comfort in being ill, but it's not worth it, believe me.

Have you seen a therapist to try and understand why you do this? If not, can your GP or dietician refer you to someone?

From my experience, no one knows how to be happy or what they want from life - I know I don't! Neither do a lot of my much older friends. Life is scary, but there is so much to enjoy, even if there's still a lot of work and at times a lot of crap ahead. The fear of living is very real, I know, but it needs to be overcome, because there is a lot of fantastic experiences out there. There are other coping mechanisms that are much safer and healthier for you to use in times of stress, have you explored any of these?

Take care of yourself honey, hope that was helpful in some small way ;)
PM me anytime.
Katie xx

Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life

Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -

Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.

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