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Old 10-04-2012, 04:49 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Only physically recovered not mentally

I've been "recovered" for over a year now.
I've gained weight in that year and I've never managed to be comfortable with it. I'm at the high end of healthy apparently. I have never stopped hating myself although I'm no longer suicidal.

Through therapy I learnt the reasons behind my eating disorders and I was encouraged to eat whatever I wanted and to not exercise at all. I feel this didn't help me as I still have no idea whats a healthy amount to eat/exercise, nutrition etc. All it's done is taken all my control away from my eating.

I have no impulse control at all and go on massive binges. I haven't started purging again but I'm so very close. Everyone just thinks I'm recovered because I'm fat and I can't let them down again by letting my thoughts become actions.

I do have more energy and I am happier then before until I'm on my own or anytime where I think i'm being looked at... I know the importance of food as a fuel now but I still hate it.

Will I ever get used to being this fat? am i 'recovered'? Can I only call a relapse if I'm restricting/purging again?

Last edited by [Purple_Rain] : 11-04-2012 at 10:37 PM. Reason: removed amount of weight gained
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Old 11-04-2012, 11:56 AM   #2
sapphire hearts
Maybe it's too late to live and feel safe
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Scotland
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While recovering physically is a fantastic step, I think it will take a bit longer for you to be emotionally comfortable with being healthy (I'm afraid I wouldn't really know though, just guessing). I'm 'recovered' from self harm, but for a long time it was still the first thing I thought about when I was upset, and even now, two years on from my last major SI, it still crosses my mind sometimes. I don't know if it's comparable, but I think that stopping behaviours can sometimes be easier than stopping the thoughts that used to lead to them.

You are doing really well honey. You're not 'fat', it's just the lingering ED thoughts making you think that. Give it some more time and eventually you'll be able to come to terms with recovery emotionally.

Have you ever seen a dietician? If not, could you asked to be referred to one? They might be able to give you tips on staying healthy, not just putting on weight, that might help you feel more comfortable with these lifestyle changes. Otherwise, there are loads of healthy eating/healthy ways to exercise sites online that you might find helpful, although I'd be careful doing anything on your own at this point.

*hugs* please keep taking care of yourself. You are doing so well.
PM me if you want to talk.
Katie x

Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life

Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -

Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.

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