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Old 07-10-2012, 07:36 PM   #18
blp
 
Join Date: Oct 2012

This thread is rather old, so I don't know if anything I say will reach any of the people here. I have a slightly different perspective that might possibly be helpful.

I went to a lot of different schools as a child and was quite badly bullied at some of them, though not others.

What I think may be missing from this thread and from a lot of discussions of this subject is anger. When someone calls you a nasty name, physically abuses you, laughs at you maliciously etc. it is the most natural response in the world to feel furiously angry – and more so if this happens day after day. I think a lot of the problem for bullied people is that, for one reason or another, they cannot express this anger. The most obvious reason is that, when bullying happens, the bullied person is simply outnumbered. We cannot fight back and win and often our attempts to defend ourselves by lashing out, making threats or telling the bullies off are met with mocking laughter. Even to the extent that we can fight back, our confidence in doing so is undermined precisely by the fact that everyone seems to be against us. Maybe, we think, we really are in the wrong, even though we can't see how.

When anger can't be expressed, it builds up as tension and anxiety, inhibiting movement, making one feel awkward, unconfident and ashamed. All this I think is exacerbated by the actual shame one feels about being bullied. The anger gets turned inwards, sometimes to the point where the bullied person actually does more harm to themselves than their bullies ever did.

But somewhere in all this, however suppressed, there is still enormous anger towards the bullies. My rather simple view is that, first of all, before any other healing can occur, the bullied person needs to discover in themselves the true extent of this anger. This is both a physical and verbal thing. One probably wishes one could do actual physical harm to the bullies. One also probably has a lot of nasty things one wants to say about them. And, while one's about it, all mixed up with this, one probably has a lot of nasty things one wants to say to and about oneself.

None of this is a place to remain. The objective is to grow up and move beyond it, but while it's all bottled up, unexpressed in us, we can't. So, in a safe place, writing, beating up pillows, shouting in isolated places etc. one needs to get it out, see what it is and begin to reason with it and reassure ourselves. But even before we lay it to rest completely, getting it out can give us relief. This has been my experience anyway.

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