Im bumping this up because its been nearly two months since i wrote this and things have not really improved, in fact I'm so conflicted about the work side its extremely difficult. In terms of me some of my medication has been stopped and got referred for an urgent psychiatric assessment as i was overdosing on my medication and because its a trycillic anti-depressant it can be more dangerous in overdose so they stopped that and told me id be referred to a cpn and would see me after christmas to review medication....well that was start of december and not heard anything since, i had to chase them for a week to actually get the cpn referral done, so at least on the work side they know I'm trying.
But its been difficult in the fact that i have overdosed and went into work, and overdosed when i have been in work. My manager knows i have done this, and tells me to say if i have done this (but i never will at the time because il just be told to go home) and i have also been caught out by him once as he suspected by the way i was acting, but i refused to go home (i suppose its difficult to hide some things as i sit right next to him or now one seat away). I have tried to explain as much to him about borderline from my side as he said he did google it and i know how much misinformation is out there, and also about the self harm. He has also changed my settings at work so i don't take the lines i find most difficult, and if our team can we do off the phone work in the afternoon which helps with the anxiety, and has asked to to keep a kind of work diary daily so if i find a call difficult or it plays with my emotions in a bad way to record down whats happening to see if there is a link between stuff. But work still makes me anxious and i already have had a week off sick as my manager thought it was for the best. I think i'm doing really badly but i'm not, even this month i'm the only team member to be passing quality, and im one of the top performers in terms of call stats, but i think im doing awful.
But i have spoken to him a few times every week since posting this either in person or by letter (as its easier). But i have had a few issues with being in the team i am in as well (i cant move team as i'm happy with my shift pattern). People notice something is wrong with me, sometimes i'm really quiet and i have also been in tears at my desk a few times. Also my friend last week decided to ignore me and move seats which i can understand given the way i am sometimes but that bpd part of me hates being ignore and wants to be told what the issue is. I had to ask and in the end i was told that i'm just feeling sorry for myself and if i'm ill i'm not fit to be there and should be off sick, however i know for me thats not helpful and i'm trying to get my hours dropped by a day. But my manager was fuming with that comment and even asked if he wanted me to speak to them about it, which i refused as it would just make things worse.
I get i am really struggling in there but i keep trying, and i cant fault my manager as he has been amazing and supportive. But some parts just don't feel right, he hasn't referred me to occupational health as he thinks it wouldn't be helpful and that he can deal with me, but he has spoken to them for advice to make sure he's doing the right thing. But when i was last in i mentioned about the self harm, because i don't use any kind of first aid stuff he asked what i would need and what if he kept it in his locker so no one would know (we all have our own lockers but because there is so many staff over the holidays there is like 2-4 people to a locker, so i didn't want to put stuff in my own bag). But i felt awkward saying what i would need so he told me to get the stuff myself and being it in when i come back from my week off. He also said to promise him the next time i want to self harm rather than doing it to go speak to him first. I have said that i don't feel this is his job to deal with that and that it just comes across as attention seeking, but he says it is, as its his job to keep me safe at work and it doesn't.
But i'm so conflicted with what to do, at the same time he as told me he has depression and anxiety issue, so in a way ( i have not said this to him as i dont feel i can) i feel like what if my illness makes him worse. He's told me just in general if he's had a bad day, and i know its in that way to show me that he's human and can relate, but i dont think it helps. And hes also the type of person you can tell if they are in a mood or not so i cant imagine going up and saying hey i want to cut myself would be helpful for either. But i also dont want to get dependant on anyone else for anything, and its difficult to know what to do.
I just need advice.
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