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Old 06-03-2020, 10:59 AM   #2195
The Shadow of the Day
one_step_closer's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland


This may turn into a ramble. I'm sure I have definitely been discharged at the wrong time. My first 4 weeks or so in hospital were spent doing nothing much than going to the shop with staff or spending five minutes at the front door on my own to hope I wouldn't run away to the train station again. Then all my passes were crammed into less than a week and I usually need them spaced out with breaks to feel properly confident at home. Everyone just wanted me to go home. I briefly got to see OT and we made plans but then the doctor cancelled OT so he could send me on pass. I was also supposed to see the IP psychologist and that never happened because they gave me no time to access all the support.

People said I wouldn't be discharged if I wasn't ready but I knew that was bollocks so I just agreed with them that it was time for me to go home. I couldn't explain what was wrong anyway, at that point I didn't have the words to explain that I need more passes and input from OT and psychology.

I was just about getting to the coping stage when I was in hospital but the things that weren't right have continued into the community and a lot is worse at home. Really stupid things like my balance is terrible, I'm slapping my head loads more, I'm avoiding people, I'm hearing messages in all sorts of sounds, crossing the road is a task and this is one of the things that happens when I'm unwell. Anyway. I just think I was rushed through hospital and that wasn't helpful. I can't phone anyone. I'm just doing my best to avoid train stations.

I was thinking about how much I struggle and how some people think mental illness isn't a disability. I can't imagine this struggle plus trying to be a 'normal' person and have a job etc. I'm cracking up. I need someone.

I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

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