Thank you all so much for your support and advice and understanding. Especially for reminding me to not be so self critical. I needed to hear that because it just goes out of your head doesn't it when you are in a bit of fog?!
I sat with my CPN and went through things. She was very reassuring. I had to keep telling myself that she wasn't just saying those things to be nice/polite.
I've told her that I want to try alternatives to medication. She said the doctors might want me to take meds and have some therapy at the same time. I said I'd be open to discuss things as long as they know they can't just try the quick fix medication thing with me.
For me, personally, medication has helped to numb/mask/dull things so they're not as painful but it never solved the problem. Therapy did that. So I'm not going on meds without therapy because when I stop the meds the problem will be waiting to pop up again and... no. I want to do this properly so I can be content.
My CPN did just get me several days worth of Diazepam which I don't mind at all. And she has gone away to discuss with the team who they think is the best doctor to work with me on this one. She will get me an appoint to speak to them asap and then we'll discuss and decide what to do about all of this.
Tonight is one of my better nights recently :)
Thank you again, each of you M x