Thank you both.
I left mega early for the stress control class because I felt like I needed to get out. I was going to sit and read but it was busy and I was really anxious so I ended up sitting outside for about an hour. I felt more upset because it reminded me of school (it's at the leisure centre next to the school) and of wishing a teacher would pass and help me and of the parallels of wishing a nurse in hospital would talk to me. Waiting and no one comes. The psychologist taking the class (my previous psychologist) passed and said hi and I felt further upset because it was like I had been waiting for him too and wanted him to see I wasn't ok but he didn't. I couldn't focus much on the class. I felt like when the end came I was going to have to get on with suicide. I wanted to thank the two psychologists for doing the class during their evening so I said it at the end of the class. My previous psychologist said he loves doing it and he said he's incredibly fucking proud of me for coming because he knows it must be hard for me. I think he asked how I am and I said not great and he said 'yet you're here.' I stood there stupidly for a while before saying goodbye. I'm worried that he might have thought I expected a session from him. I was trying especially hard to be quick because it was the evening. I do wish he had noticed how low I am but I'm not his patient any more and it was the end of his working day. I walked home and cried a bit and thought about suicide and self harm and that I probably won't be able to achieve those things so I'm stuck with this pain.
I got home and decided to phone the informal crisis team really only thinking I could say hello and hear a human but not get much else from it. I hung up a couple of times but then managed to talk. The worker persevered with talking to me and it was more helpful than it has been recently. I was thinking about self harming but felt able not to after the call. I just made some repetitive humming noises.
I'm so tired of this fight.
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