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Old 04-04-2020, 08:28 PM   #1
Shadowy Star
 
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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I failed, after 12+ years.. [Triggering - SI, ED, (mild) Abuse]

I have always struggled, since I was a kid. I don't really know what happy is, but I learned to function and hide so much of myself, so I don't hurt people I care about (and who seem to care about me). I'm in my mid-30's now, and have not self injured in well over 12 years - not even a scratch. I thought I'd never have to come back here, and managed to figure out a way to cope. It wasn't really living, by most people's standards, but I got by and made things work. I learned to accept what I did when I was younger, and learned how to okay not covering up every single scar I have.

I have talked to some of my doctors, and admitted I'm struggling, but only get blown off. The problem is they see me as coping very well considering what life's thrown at me (two major, life changing medical issues diagnosed, and new medications started in the last few months), and thus some level of depression/anxiety is just expected due to these issues.

Yet, something in me broke last night. I've been struggling so much lately. In addition to the health issues, I broke off a somewhat of an emotionally abusive 6+ year relationship and moved out in the last few months. Which was hard, but necessary.. But I am now essentially completely isolated thanks to the virus outbreak, and my support systems are in shatters (I was not able to rebuild them between moving out/breaking up and the virus breakout). I am forcing myself to eat, but in the last few weeks it's become a double edge sword because also now eating meals insulin (autoimmune diabetic now). If I know if I eat less, then there are less injections (insulin is new) - and it's such an easy trap to fall into.

It has always been hard, but I had managed to find ways to cope, even if there was always that siren's call to cut in the back of my mind. But it's not working so well now. I knew I shouldn't, I know where this all can lead and how quickly it can spin out of control. I know it starts out small, and so easily balloons over time - and I have the scars to remind me how bad things can get for me personally.

Yet, I still failed.. I cut, for the first time in over 12 years.

I just... I feel lost. I feel like I utterly failed and threw away so many years of, well, I don't have a better word for it than "sobriety". I failed, and I failed hard, and all I feel is shame and regret. I feel broken.


Note: please don't suggest anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. While I am fully aware I suffer from depression with anxiety - that I am a functioning depressive that can hold down a job and appear normal on the outside. I've never had luck with therapists not making me feel worse either, and I've been through many.
I have an underlying diagnosis that suggests the underlying cause is a non-standard malfunction with non-typical neurotransmitters in my central nervous system (that I would rather not have to explain), that affects me both mentally and physically. Most SSRI's and other standard drugs will actually make things worse, and do damage - I am being treated for it by a neurologist, but there's only so much that can be done and it's progressive.

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