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Old 16-08-2019, 09:33 AM   #5
Juella
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Thank you for your kind replies, everyone


Jinxie, you are making perfect sense, thank you for your kind and wise words.



one_step_closer, a letter is actually a great idea. Back in the day, in the early days of our friendship, we used to exchange emails whenever either of us would come up with an important topic to talk about. It would be easier to explain myself this way without other people barging in/calling in the middle of the conversation, like it repeatedly happened already, and without worrying about breaking the weird secrecy my friend is creating around the whole thing. I'm a little worried my email will only make him annoyed, but if things will get really sour, I might try it, and maybe it will work.


I do receive professional support, but, as I learned from these forums, when it comes to professional support options are very limited where I live, compared to, say, UK. I have a psychiatrist assigned to me that is also somewhat like my care coordinator. I am currently not in therapy, and am not planning to enroll in it anytime soon, because I tend to just get dropped by state-funded therapists on the basis of being "non-cooperative", and I don't have the funds for private therapy. I am not entitled to receive help from a social worker as long as I have living relatives capable of supporting me, regardless of whether they are willing to support me or not, and there are no other services that visit mental health patients outside of the hospital and/or help them with their daily life where I live. So I can't really rely on that.


In terms of connecting to other people through hobbies, I am somewhat limited physically, so I can't do sports, camping or anything that relies on physical activity. And even my old interests like engineering and creative writing are largely solitary activities. I never really participated in any kind of group activities. Except for imbibing ungodly amounts of alcohol - now that I think about it, that's how I bonded with every single friend I ever had. Wow, I am such a role model.


I know I can survive this. In fact, my ability to survive everything including accidents, ilnesses and suicide attempts suggest I must've been bitten by a radioactive cockroach as a baby. It's just that surviving takes effort, and I'm struggling to find any motivation to put that effort in instead of taking the easy way out, as my quality of life keeps declining.


Anyway, thank you for your replies. Now I feel better, and even entertained a thought of just going to the bar and getting drunk next time I feel like killing myself. I probably wouldn't do it, though, because going to a bar can only get me screwed, literally or figuratively.

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