I've been feeling low most of the day again. I realise I'm very lucky that I don't have any huge responsibilities to attend to. I want to hurt myself but haven't so far and I know I'd be shit at it anyway. I need to find a method of self harm that I can do well enough.
Last night I was thinking about good things vs me. I know what good qualities are and I can see that I have some good qualities but I sort of separate them from me. I can't let go of feeling like I'm evil even though I contain lots of non-evil attributes.
I ache that people are kind to me but of course it hurts more when people are horrible to me and I don't want people to be horrible to me even though I feel like I deserve it. I am greedy and selfish and not brave enough to face what I deserve.
There are jumbles of thoughts and behaviours etc that I feel like they should be in tidy categories. The thoughts and behaviours are like patterns, repetition, controlled order, etc. I don't know if they just fit under the label of 'anxiety' or what. I need explanations. I have wondered about Aspergers but there's no one I feel comfortable mentioning it to.
Life is terrifying and I don't feel like a human. I need guidance from the men but everything I get from them these days is confusing, unclear, and minimal. I'm too tired to fully attempt to initiate communication.
There's no one I can talk to, nothing I can say, and nothing that will help me.
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