I wonder what people actually think of me. Like in the way I automatically react to things that upset me - tapping, repeating, making noises, clicking, screwing up my eyes, rocking, movements, etc. I do this mostly at home but also in appointments and sometimes when I'm in public generally. They are behaviours that I would probably be discouraged to do ever, by professionals. I'm sorry, I don't seem to be able to help it. But no one understands because it always comes back to - you're an adult, you have capacity, you understand psychology, you are intelligent, you function well, etc. I feel wrong. I am one big wrong.
I spend most of the time I'm home in the morning swearing at myself and bullying myself. I really hope my neighbours can't hear me and there are no recording devices in my house. I hate me and I don't want to keep facing day after day.
I only had 2 small things to do yesterday and the second one was a discussion thing about the new MH strategy that is being developed in my area so I was there for a bit over an hour. Slightly past the mid point I was so exhausted and just wanted to leave and I stopped talking and just smiled and looked ridiculous. I have no idea how I would manage a job if I can't even do very small things. And one of my friends had her PIP tribunal and she was refused PIP, they'll be after me soon. I can't do this. I remember in my last job a staff member getting on to me for not maintaining eye contact, and I'm much worse with eye contact now. I'm just a failure of a partial human. I am not needed here. How do I get out? I really am going to have to force myself to push past natural anxiety and kill myself. Scared.
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