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Old 18-11-2018, 06:39 AM   #1
bitomato's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2005
I am currently:
What will happen in the future?

Right now, I am trying to trust that everything will be okay. I am a vet- I joined RYL in 2005 while going to Uni in the UK. Currently I am in the US- going to Uni. I don't know any identity outside of being a student and living a semi- protected existence of a University bubble. I am definitely petrified about going back to my home country upon graduation next year. I am supposed to work here for a year- but without family support, I am afraid that I not only won't find a job, but that I won't manage to stay employed.

There are so many resources in the US, even if the MH system is screwy. I am bombarded with thoughts to come off my meds because they aren't available in my home country- or they are currently $100s of US dollars without insurance- which I qualify for in the US, but not my home country. In fact after August next year I won't have insurance again in the US either.

I am worried about what will happen to me without accessing RYL anymore. Without searching for support online. My family thinks these conversations make me ill. It is the same- thinking that I need to try to go it alone, without this type of support.

My "best" friends are married- some with kids- and have their own lives. I try to reach out but what we have in common is becoming less and less. I have a group of friends that I regularly email, but their responses come back really slowly, and I feel like I am holding up my and their end of the relationship.

I recently started to question my sexuality too. I have only ever been with the opposite cis-gender; but I had my first real same cis- gender crush last year, and I am confused. I also feel very drawn to the non-binary community. Back home, I am stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who doesn't care about me, doesn't respect me, and only uses me physically. I don't want to be that person. Or with that person.

I went through the RYL forum today, and realized there is a lot of rule breaking and people in need- but I just didn't feel strong enough to reach out or be discerning between my need to feel useful and my responsibilities as a member who is not a moderator. Right now I feel very present in my head and body, which makes every choice a harder one. I want to feel purposeful, even if my life cannot be filled with purpose.

My psychologist called me overweight, and then another day when I said I was going to experiment with sleeping less- that my current oversleeping was the point is he irks me more and more- but he is the devil I know.

I am trying to order my thoughts. I can't. Everything is falling apart.

~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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