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Old 01-10-2018, 02:28 PM   #53185
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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i've been living inside a labyrinth since i was 11. well actually since i was 5. it got dark it got bright but sometimes there was a gust of wind. other times there was water coming down over the edges.i'm just been rotting. have had friends that were neaver really friends aka people that appear and dissapear. lately an old friend of mine have returned and i've been chatting recently with that, but not alot. on the other side of the thick mossy wet dark wall of the side of the labyrinth i'm currently at... i've been starting to talk to a shrink, she's a lady kinda nice. nods and shakes to whatever i must say seems very pertinent to me like i get the feeling she wants to listen. but in that moment of epipanhy alone, i just feel that my heart gets heavier since i've talked to her. i have someone that i've been talking to here where i live since 25th october 2016 cause of things that happened then. i've been talking non stop often every day for 2 or 3 hours until we are cold or can't almost stand up anymore. it has helped and i think it still helps. i've been so back and forwards keep staring in the mirror for periods of time just because i got none...
i have something called incorporated memory loss. and i want to ask you if anyone in here have heard of something like this or is experiencing it. it's a bitch from behind the moon living with it. i can talk to someone as i said for 2 or 3 hours at a time and all i really want is a distraction that wakes me up to that makes me start my life like me and not behind something that feels like a black box that lives inside my head registering everything i say then 10 minutes later makes me forget it because of trauma i had in my childhood since i i was 5 and no one to talk to about.(feel free to ask questions, i dont mind) and also i feel exhausted of just starting this thing with the people here i live to start taking walks to get distracted for when the impulse stuff happens... (grabs a marshmallow from the freezer)

my grandfather is basically the only person who has helped me cause without him i dont think i could have moved on the way i did with what happened in my childhood. he has since passed away from cancer and again i was left alone. it always seems that something wants me to be left alone and that's what i'm getting help for now. atleast from my perspective. i'm maybe going to be comitted soon to get help for various things. and i've been bumped up in sessions with the shrink lady for the trauma thing to once a week. it's a stupid start...........

when after the thing trauma started and what was done was done my grand father took me to see a hypno therapist that helped me get back my focus. and slowly i've realised i'm just all over the place like a puzzle with atleast a million pieces and the only thing i can think of that makes me not lose my mind is getting my life back together. kinda looking for hope in a cold world. there are ppl around me that care i'm aware. i only wish there was a fast cure for this realisation of slow fast forward.

first time i talked to the shrink lady it was very ok. i got to say alot of things. but there is yet much much more left untalked. i want her to know i want everything my thoughts think about to be a conversation that i'm me and not some stupid... idk... anyway.. first time i talked to her was ok. but after that when i walked home with the friend person that followed along side me to her. i only complained that it didnt solve anything.. and when i got home all i could think about was that i wanted to talk more and more and eventually be able to wake up somehow. then it started getting dark and mossy again. btw this is over 2 weeks ago. i missed the last session i had cause i felt all too many thoughts at the same time i was supposed to shower and go to bed early but i couldnt. all i did was think... then after awhile being dark and mossy i started forgetting what we talked about like some sort of auto distraction turn my brain wanted to go one way and my heart, feelings, urges some other ways. (grabs water from the fridge)

it's like my life since i was 5 dont have a history. it's very sad and stupidly lonely. i listen to music and play games sometimes to relieve stress for what i dont want.

*refills the freezer with a new pack of marshmallows and water in the fridge*


edit: my panic button dont work anymore....

Last edited by m0nk : 01-10-2018 at 03:26 PM. Reason: i dont got a new panic page to go to...

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