I am unsure about how other humans manage with the diagnosis. It seems to vary so much that it is really confusing to me to even try to make sense of. But it is apparently a thing I have always had and it does not make sense to me that I only now get it as a diagnosis when I am thirty and I think I must be faking it. There is no way my mother can find out about it and I have not told very many humans about it because I do not want it to be used against me. I am unsure if the top surgery human knows about it but I am afraid that is part of why everyone is saying they do not think I can understand and consent to getting top surgery. I could ask our therapist human again if she will change it but the last time I asked she said she though it fit and she was going to keep it.
I am unsure about feelings. I understand they are separate. I do try to challenge things and separate things when I can but it is really hard when I am constantly so overwhelmed and so stressed.
Our therapist human and case manager human do not work on weekends. So do not really have anyone. Weekends are the days I work at the horse barn which means getting up really early and not sleeping. The horse who almost died seemed better today. He ate all of his pony breakfast for the first time since he got sick which was good and he was acting much more like himself.
I had to ask my mom for money. I have no idea if she will help or not. She is really mad and kept trying to tell me all of these jobs and things I need to apply for. I had to give her a list of all the things I need to spend money on for the month (even though I can only predict and it will not be accurate) as well as how much I am going to be making from my jobs this month (again which I can only predict) to show why there was an issue. I wish I knew what I was doing that was so wrong so I could fix it.
I cannot be dead today because of having to take care of the horses in the morning but I am so stressed and so overwhelmed. I just want everything to stop. If I thought someone would definitely be able to take care of my dog for me I am pretty sure I would try to be dead. I just do not know anyone who might be able to. I get that I am lucky to have all of the things that I have but I am so sick of things being horrible and hard and going wrong.