I'm really sorry to hear that something you relied on might not work out. But i still urge you to not make any final decisions yet. It might be possible to have the surgery happen in another way, to get a second opinion, to seek out more support and have them back you up when the decision is going to be made.
I know the feeling of everything going wrong and you feel like you only have yourself to blame. It is a very lonely and scary place to be. But don't blame it all on yourself without acknowlegding that you might have legitimate reasons for doing the things you do, in the way you feel is best for you. Meeting a medical system often feels like running headfirst into a wall, there is surprisingly little empathy, time and acceptance. It doesn’t neccessarily mean it is solely your fault that this has gone wrong.
Please try to wait until your team can be in touch with you. I know it sucks, but all is not lost yet.
Hope you're okay after all.