[Leni]

I really hate that I ever harmed myself. It's more than 20 years since I first cut myself, I don't remember exactly why. The feelings though ... anger, rage, hate, they're still around, some of the time at least. It was a release; my mind was so crushed by those feelings I needed to get them out, and it became the only way. It's circular. I do it to release the venom, but it creates more and then I feel more hatred of myself for being a dysfunctional screw-up. It's been quite a while since I harmed myself, but I find I want to do some serious damage today. Because I can, because I hate myself, because ... I don't know. I feel like crap. It's not going to help though. Several hours feeling **** in A&E, more scars, etc, etc. It achieves nothing.