I feel like I'm beating myself up over this issue & struggling to get my head round it..... I know it isnt healthy to let it go round & round but I just seem unable to shift my focus.
Last year on Christmas Day I rang my mother to wish her well. Despite everything from my past I still try to "do the right thing". Sometimes I do wish I didnt as it always seems to backfire. My mother didnt seem that interested in speaking to me & passed me to my brother instead. Wonderful, a conversation with my abusive brother on xmas day, just what I needed. She said he "wanted to insult me"...... most normal people would avoid giving the phone to him but instead she put him on. He was really rude to me & started swearing at my partner as well so I hung up. That was the last time I spoke to him. He died last February from alcoholism. I cant say I'm at all sad at the loss as I really hated everything about him. AFter he died i did try to think of something positive but there was nothing. Absolutely nothing positive about him in relation to me.
As a small child I can remember Christmas with excitement. How I wish I culd be that innocent child again, really I do. I hate the fact that my abusive family allowed my innocence to be destroyed & replaced with a load of crap instead. Horrible dark, dirty crap.
As I grew up our family Christmases got worse & worse. When my brothers came home it was scary ..... arguments, fighting, police in our house, shouting & unpleasantness. The worst time was when another one of my brothers came home with a massive wound in his face after someone glassed him. You'd think my Mother would be shocked & be caring towards him but instead she seemed annoyed, like it was something he did deliberatly to irritate her. I know he could be trouble but he didnt deserve that. It seemed a terrible reaction from her as clearly he was going to have a terrible, life-long scar. It was so scary to see him like that even after they'd stitched it up.
Because I last spoke to my abusive brother on xmas day, i feel that the day is looming heavily this year. I really want to get this Christmas/New Year out of the way now. I want to move on but am finding it really hard. I hated my brother so much because of what he did to me. Even though one my abuser's has now gone & I know he cant hurt me anymore, he still haunts me. I just cant get all this crap out of my head. I suppose I have to be patient while i work through all this stuff but i'm sick of feeling so crap. It makes me feel very angry.
I want to re-build future Christmas & New Years to make them more pleasant - just to get on with my life really & replace the crap memories with more pleasant ones. How I wish I could rediscover that child like excitement about Christmas and for life generally.
I wont be calling my mother on xmas day & I'm making sure I only spend the holiday period with positive people in my life. Someone said to me this morning that my brother didnt deserve a sister like me (i.e kind, caring, considerate). I know that's true and am gonna keep that in my mind.
|