Thanks for your reply. I had a horrible night. I managed to get through to the Breathing Space web chat because I had decided to kill myself soon after seeing my CPN but I thought that it was important to get through the night to make it to see my CPN. I felt worse at the end of the conversation and like I just needed to get suicide done that night. I didn't, obviously. I saw my CPN today and cried most of the way through the appointment. I am sure that suicide is the only answer and I am upset that I might be trapped feeling this pain. I pretty much kept repeating the same general things about too much pain and please don't let me be trapped here. It is a trap, life, I am terrified of that. I don't know how to explain how awful it feels for my body to continue living. My CPN asked if an admission to hospital would be helpful and I said no, nothing in life will help. She suggested I have some contact with the informal crisis team but I said no again. She said she won't make me do anything I don't want to do but that she doesn't want to just have to say goodbye to me and she thinks crisis support is needed right now even if it doesn't help anything.
She arranged to see me again on Friday, an hour before she's even due in work so she's using her own time. She said that's how important this is to her. I really just want to let go because this pain is way too much. I eventually agreed to having crisis support and then see my CPN again on Friday. Part of me is thinking hospital would have been a better plan but I know it wouldn't help, it would just mean I wasn't alone. I'll likely get through the next couple of days anyway. There is no pain relief. I'm tired and I want out. This is never-ending as long as I continue to live.
(In response to what would change if I didn't have to worry about my brother or future pressures - there would be less external stuff threatening to blow up my pain massively).
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