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one_step_closer · 12-02-2019, 08:30 PM

Thank you. I had put some small notes in my phone and was looking over them in the waiting area like I had to memorise them for an exam or something. Silly, I could have looked at my phone during the appointment. Most stuff didn't come up anyway, I do have a bit of influence on where the conversation goes but I'm not good at bringing everything up because I worry about time pressures and I don't like to change the subject if it's not important to me. My CPN did say she understands how it must be exhausting to fight negative stuff most of the time and she thinks I need a balance with some fun things. I don't really get many positive feelings from anything though and I've looked into possible activities and tried lots of things too. My CPN said that I have done a lot of therapeutic work and trying activities and stuff but things don't seem to help, she recognises that. She said she doesn't know what I'd want her to do if I'm stuck in a box where I think the only solution is suicide. She spoke about things she'd be interested in doing but I'm really not interested in anything. It was good to have contact but that usually makes me feel a little better so I can't put across just how bad things are. There is no way I made her see just how painfully trapped I am and how suicidal I am.

We spoke about how I feel like I can't contact anyone. She said I can contact the CMHT any time because there will always be someone around that I know if she isn't available herself. The whole making the phone call thing is scary to begin with and then I wouldn't know what to say. I need a person but I don't have the words.

I don't know how to have hope when I feel so hopeless. I don't know how to soothe myself and while I can't have some pain relief I can't see through the thick darkness so I really can't have any hope. Being awake is torture. Sleeping only gives me bad dreams. I don't want to keep trying to tolerate life. I want to end it. It seems so simple when I think about it but something always stops me. I don't want to get it wrong, I don't want to mess things up for my brother, I don't want my cats to not have me around any more. But I so hugely want to die, for me.

12-02-2019, 08:30 PM	#1147
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	Thank you. I had put some small notes in my phone and was looking over them in the waiting area like I had to memorise them for an exam or something. Silly, I could have looked at my phone during the appointment. Most stuff didn't come up anyway, I do have a bit of influence on where the conversation goes but I'm not good at bringing everything up because I worry about time pressures and I don't like to change the subject if it's not important to me. My CPN did say she understands how it must be exhausting to fight negative stuff most of the time and she thinks I need a balance with some fun things. I don't really get many positive feelings from anything though and I've looked into possible activities and tried lots of things too. My CPN said that I have done a lot of therapeutic work and trying activities and stuff but things don't seem to help, she recognises that. She said she doesn't know what I'd want her to do if I'm stuck in a box where I think the only solution is suicide. She spoke about things she'd be interested in doing but I'm really not interested in anything. It was good to have contact but that usually makes me feel a little better so I can't put across just how bad things are. There is no way I made her see just how painfully trapped I am and how suicidal I am. We spoke about how I feel like I can't contact anyone. She said I can contact the CMHT any time because there will always be someone around that I know if she isn't available herself. The whole making the phone call thing is scary to begin with and then I wouldn't know what to say. I need a person but I don't have the words. I don't know how to have hope when I feel so hopeless. I don't know how to soothe myself and while I can't have some pain relief I can't see through the thick darkness so I really can't have any hope. Being awake is torture. Sleeping only gives me bad dreams. I don't want to keep trying to tolerate life. I want to end it. It seems so simple when I think about it but something always stops me. I don't want to get it wrong, I don't want to mess things up for my brother, I don't want my cats to not have me around any more. But I so hugely want to die, for me.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.