It's not like I lie there trying to sleep and I'm like "hmm, what would be a nice thing to think about before bed? I know, ******* my **** off..."
It's what my brain defaults to. Whenever I am alone or sat in silence, my brain drifts back to P and how they just don't care about me, and then it jumps from that to self harm. I'm struggling to focus on other things.
I know the reason P doesn't care is because I'm just too insufferable and not nice to be around. It's why they didn't want to be with me in the first place, and even though I thought things had changed, the truth is I'm just as unpleasant as I always have been. I thought if I explained things to them, if they understood me, it would be different, but they don't want to know. I hate myself.