I'm feeling so utterly crap. I want to self harm badly but I don't seem to be able to do it 'well enough' any more. I need controlled physical pain and I need a lot of damage. It's raining right now and I can hear it on the window, it's the kind of rain that triggers me to go and jump off a bridge. The bridge I know of where people have killed themselves is hard to get to at night though. It would involve driving there and the parking place next to the bridge is hard to see in the dark. I don't want to save myself any more. I'm tired of holding on. I need to do something big but what? I don't feel able to phone the voluntary crisis team. I need to act, I need to destroy myself.
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