Now is just a good time to die. Really. Inpatient would do nothing for me, there is no kind of treatment that will help.
Trying to use the new Breathing Space web chat but it's closed, they're probably busy, which I guessed would happen. It's equally as anxiety provoking refreshing the page as it is to listen to a phone ringing. My support worker today told me to just keep phoning people back if I hang up but it's not that easy. There are people around but they aren't truly around for me if I can't find the courage to access them.
My support worker said I need to start progressing with her rather than we just talk about things or the support might be stopped. I'd actually rather it was just stopped. It's sad that I'm not allowed support to just be, it's always about moving forward in ways that are defined by other people.
I wish I could rip my heart out, I am in such agony. I'm going to have to get on with suicide sooner or later. It's hard to push past the physical anxiety feelings when attempting suicide though and I am frustrated with myself for that. No one hears me because I can't reach out and if I do reach out I can't explain anything. My cats will learn to love someone else and forget about my. My life is a waste of time. It needs to end.
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