[Buttercup.]

I know you're right. I mean right now all of my behaviors are related to ED. And physically it's pretty obvious that it is a huge struggle.

I'm just doing so bad. Like, I know I've gained a little weight since I've been home.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic triggering

And it kills me knowing that I'm not "emaciated" anymore..(that is so ****ed up, I know).

It's just so hopeless, I'm trying so hard to actually at least follow a couple pieces of my meal plan each day. I figure starting small is better than nothing. But it's like this:

The following content has been hidden - Reason : pointless, triggering. just me complaining about my reality.

When I do eat (ANYTHING no matter how small or what it is), I get that
horrible bloating and just discomfort..nausea, fat belly, the whole bit. And I'm on a bunch of different stomach meds both for upper and lower digestion. They do nothing for the bloating which is really painful. So this triggers me to purge or overuse diuretics and laxatives..just for the purpose of getting the food out so my stomach pain will go away. Of course the overdosing always makes it worse, but ED tells me it's better that way and I'm impulsive. And then when I don't eat, my body gets weak so fast and I get to the point where I can barely function. Not that I really function well when I do the alternative. It's really frustrating. I know I have the Ensures..I'm supposed to take them on top of the meal plan ick, no. I know I should at least be trying to keep these down. But instead, I'm going to keep them in the basement fridge until the end of eternity.

Logically, yes, I know what I have to do. But in reality, my ED is calling the shots. I'm not strong enough to win the fight.

And please don't make any comments about me not wanting to get better..because I do..and it's a struggle everyday. If I didn't want to get better I'd probably be dead by now. I'm just really hurt..I accidently caught glimpse of an email conversation between my dad and my aunt where my dad said some really demeaning things about how I'm just a "pussy" and he rambled on about how I'll never get better and how I'm selfish and such. Reading that really hurt me and I'm very depressed and angry and confused.

I'm still hanging on and I'm hoping that this goal setting IMR thing with Jenn will help..I just honestly, I don't know how to find a middle ground between these two extreme behaviors. I don't know how to be okay with feeling heavy and like I'm overweight when in reality I'm very underweight. I don't know how to break this cycle. It's not working. And my physical state isn't helping :( And it's all my fault.

I think I just want a hug. But I don't deserve one. I'm a selfish pathetic loser.