No, please don't feel bad! My medical team actually told me it's more dangerous to have anorexia and not be underweight because it usually goes unnoticed until you go into organ failure. My BMI is technically overweight, but my doctor said I'm very lean and toned so I will always weigh more. I fought them for a long time because "I'm not thin" and then my dietician looked me right in the eye and said (and I quote) "I can promise you, you will go into organ failure before you ever become underweight, in fact, I'd be willing to bet you'd go into organ failure before you lost x pounds" she proceeded to explain why and how your body works, once you reach a certain point your body starts breaking down organs vs fat. And your body can shut down everything to survive, and because I've done this for so long, they told me I literally burn like a tenth of the calories I should. In the long run, if you are highly restrictive now, what you do lose you will gain back (because your body thinks it's starving and has to store everything it gets) and you will most likely lose muscle mass, which is what helps you burn more calories at rest. It's hard, and unfortunately some people still believe you have to be thin to have an ED other than BED, but that is NOT the case. If you are embarrassed to talk to your Dr about it because you feel you are overweight, then maybe just tell him/her you were b/p and now you're becoming very restrictive and worried where it might lead. I've heard that if treated in the first year it's MUCH easier, the longer it goes the hard it is to recover. It's really scary and emotional to go to a dr, but they can help. There are even meds that help with the compulsive binge/purge cycle until you can get thru therapy. Please don't feel like you're being judged here, though. This is supposed to be a safe place. Please keep reaching out. I'm here, like I said before, you can always PM me if you feel like talking and having that support might help. It makes a huge difference knowing you aren't alone, and I promise you aren't. We're all (unfortunately) in this boat together, but together we can overcome it. I believe in you, you understand you have a problem and are asking for support and that is the biggest (and hardest) step. It's baby steps from here and it's a bit easier to manage in those tiny steps. It will get better
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