Originally Posted by
Vilken
Personally I'must very confused, cause I was molested as as a really young kid. That has left me feeling alot safer with girls than with boys. And i've had some drunken mishaps with girls, bur guys just feel totally forbidden, it's like my body just says no......
It's quite common for people to be abused and then feel compelled to either be drawn to sources that remind a person of the abuser - or to be repelled by them. The trauma or emotional shock of the experience knocks a person off center and a negative engram or spore of a false conditioned self becomes implanted.
Many people with PTSD can have very vivid recollections of all the people/things in the environment at time of traumas because the shock suspends a persons reasoning and the door of the subconscious is opened and it takes in lots of impressions. Even the bodu has a form of memory that can cause a person to relive things as if they were happening anew
A lot of people who were abused can end up compulsively giving themselves over to people who will do them harm. Often these people feel like the deserve nothing good. They hate themselves and the abuser and out of guilt they give themselves over in compensation - and then they hate themselves and the abuser again. They have a side to them that is like a salmon returning to its spawning ground - and will keep returning to a trauma source or trying to avoid on - but in both ways they are revolving around the trauma source. If a person tries to think of a pink elephant - or tries not to - they will still think of a pink elephant.
Now your experience was with one person - but technically the effect of that one boy but the effect spreads to all boys. If I get scared and upset over the first mouse I ever see then I will be afraid of all mice. Its a conditioning or programmed behaviour.
The way to resolve conditioned behaviour is to remove the emotional source that drives it. If you just struggle with the symptoms it gets worse and you'll feel demoralized. What the boy did to you was wrong. He made you hate him and yourself. Its justified you would hate him (and you may nort realise how much because it gets buried) but that hate is also part of the emotional shock.
Ideally you want to be able to look back and see past events as if they happened to some else. That calls for objectivity or dispassion. Now if I told you to stop hating the boy and let the hostility go, you might think I was crazy because of course its natural to hate people doing wrong. However one reason people do mean things is because they want you to hate them because they know the shock of the injustice of it will cause a lot of damage. These people like to cause damage because it gives them a sense of power. Very often these people were abused themselves and thats how they got to feel powerless in the first place. They became like the person who hurt them because people become what they respond to and can become like what they hate.
So - you dont have to be ok with what happened and you dont have to make excuses for the boy. But you want to see the hate/upset/shock was part of the trauma. If I called you a peanut head and you got upset you would feel demoralised. If I called you a name and you didn't get upset my words would have no effect on you. Indeed I might feel embarrassed myself for trying to upset you.
So when memories or thoughts od bad people and things come up just see them like a bad movie and dont get uptight and dwell on all the negative stuff. You could not stop thinking of a pink elephant as I said - but if you just notice the image of the pink elephant in your mind without reating to it you'll notice the image breaks down by itself.
So to can all the emotions and thoughts related to traumas breakdown and go away by themselves. No need to dwell or make them a personal reflection on you. Growing up we tend to have "experiences go through us" instead of "us through experiences". This is because we are not strong in our roots yet and emotional shocks are like a storm to a new tree trying to sprout. But as we get older we learn to modify the reactions and the shocks are less profound. Then the old things resolve themselves. You can wake up one day and feel new and the past will look like fiction.
Watch the tendency to resent yourself too. You'll just be resenting the conditioned part of you that isn't you at all. Being mad about yourself oryour problems will make the roots go deeper.
Most boys will be out of control to some degree themselves but they may not be as bad as boy who hurt you but you may project that into them and react to them as if they were bad. You might also compensate and take a boy who is bad and make excuses for him. The best things to do is be patient with yourself and people. Dont give yourself too fast and dont be compulsively skeptical as well. Don't rush andything and the good people will become easier to spot