[LostFailure]

I am a failure. I say this based on what I think is a rational evaluation of all my failures and successes (not that I have many of the latter). All I have ever done is fail at relationships, friendships, family, work, school, finance, sex, health, and every other human endeavor and aspiration. My therapist will call this a "cognitive distortion," but to me, it is the opposite; a cognitive distortion would be thinking I am not a failure when I have failed at everything. I have excelled at or succeeded in no human activity, endeavor, or aspiration. Let's examine this:

School: I have consistently failed in all academics. I managed to pass elementary and high school not because of academic merit but because it was believed to be in everyone's best interest that I move on (that's code for the school didn't want the dumb, "retarded", speech-impaired, self-harming, suicidal, occasionally institutionalized, autistic child no more). I used to fail myself on tests and assignments, writing "failure" or a 0 score on everything I handed in, in case the teacher felt the need to tell me how retarded I was. Later in life, I was too poor to afford college, and I failed vocational training twice, the worst student in the school (I was the only one who failed at all, much less twice).
Work: I have never succeeded in holding down a job long-term and have no career. Most people in their 30s have careers, but I am stuck going from one bad job to the next.
Friendships/Relationships/Family: I can't make friends, I have no family, and I am not attractive to anyone. I can attend MeetUps, go to clubs, and do everything I am supposed to, but inevitably, it won't work out. Even if they like me initially, they will learn more about me eventually, and that'll be the end of it. I can't hide all the unattractive, failure aspects of myself forever from someone.
Health: I've struggled with eating disorders, IBS, weight, and drug problems for the last 5+ years.

Now, for success:

I self-published a book about international law on Amazon KDP. While I am proud I did this, people have yet to want to read it, not even people I know personally, and self-publishing on Amazon doesn't feel like a great success. Anyone can upload a Word document.

After all this, to think I am not a failure strikes me as a cognitive distortion. I have never succeeded or done well at anything in my life. My whole life has been a series of traumas, setbacks, failures, and disappointments.

"Failure" is supposed to make me stronger, teach me valuable lessons, or something like that, but I don't think that's true. As an example, the vocational training I did, where not only was I the only student to fail, I failed twice. I have tried to deduce the "lesson" or benefit I was supposed to gain from being the only failure for ten years, but I haven't found it. I can't find a benefit or lesson that would make being the only failure better for me than succeeding like all the other students. Similarly, I can't find the lesson or benefit in being the "retarded" kid my entire childhood and graduating from school not based on academic merit but on my ability to be a liability to a school administration.

Neither do simple platitudes or basic self-help advice work. I can practice gratitude and be grateful for the positives in my life, but that changes nothing about the fundamental essence of who I am, which is failure. I can be a failure and still be grateful for things. I can also be a kind, compassionate, and empathetic failure, so focusing on my personal qualities doesn't help ease my failure-ness. Moreover, personal qualities cannot be quantifiably measured and are entirely subjective, making them useless for determining if I am a failure. I am a failure because I have no objective and quantifiable success in life.

I don't want to be a failure anymore.