I did this
I really hate having this on the internet, but at the same time I need support.
My stepdad did various sexual things with me most times when he was drunk. I was young, and I would dread nights when my mom worked but he didn't, when there was a chance he would stumble in. He doesn't remember any of it. I can't tell him, or else my mom would kick him out and he'd probably kill himself from the guilt.
Along with this, and after he stopped drinking, I had to wake him up on nights that he works my mom's not in the house. I had a high libido and would sometimes get him aroused from using him sexually. He would complain when he woke up that a dream made him sore, so I started releasing him. I liked it every time I did it, bit felt terrible afterwards. I knew he would get in trouble, not me, if it was brought to the police.
It used to be that him in bed, grunting and murmuring and squeezing, was the thing that made me scared. But now I associate him, fully awake and sober and loving, with that sack of guilt. I flinch when he reaches towards me, I recoil from his breath, and he doesn't know why. Just today I had a dream that I was waking him up and he shouted at me to open my legs (that never happened). He thinks I'm being weird and doesn't know what's wrong. I refuse to tell him. I gave myself this fear and hate, and I have to remove it.
How can I reconcile with him in my mind? How do I keep living with him without being afraid? And is this all my fault for continuing with this and using him?