Thank you. The writing group was ok but I felt like everyone did a better job than me. For next week we've to write something about what we're like when our mental health is bad and what helps and what superpower we'd have to combat mental illness. I don't think the topics are always going to be so heavy. We're still trying to get started properly because this is only the second time we have met up. I'm going to keep trying anyway. It's not too intimidating since it's with the organisation my support worker is from so I know the staff and the service users and the building.
If I'm pushed into anything I can't handle I'm going to have to find the courage to kill myself because I can't cope with even a tiny amount of stress. I need to be doing something proactive to help my brother. I need to be communicating with the men. I need to be doing something risky to sacrifice myself and please the men. My brain won't think hard enough though. I am wasting time and my brother's life by not having the focus to work things out. Only non-human things are appropriate for helping him and for living my life. Not full human things anyway, activities that acknowledge my almost non-human status. It's likely that I'm just too lazy to make an effort to think about what those things could be. And I lack the ability to do the right amount of self harm needed. Someone should just kill me. I'm scared of dying too. There must be a way to stop my evil influence on the world.
It's not right that I'm not breaking down walls inside my head to let the proper thoughts about how to fix things through sacrificing myself to come through. I need to recharge then really, really focus. I need more energy to form self destructive plans. I'm weak. I barely do anything and I'm tired and lacking in focus for some things.
I will not be allowed to avoid or run away from life pressures for much longer. I need an exit before I get too overwhelmed.
|