[irkeninvader]

Wow, I've not posted here for a long time. I feel like I should spend some time commenting on other's posts before writing this instead of just jumping in with a post about me, but right now I just need somewhere to vent and I know this is a safe space.

I am really struggling at the moment. Usually I can hide my depression, sometimes even from myself. But it's getting harder and harder to keep my head above water. It got to the point where I had convinced myself that it was time to tell my husband how bad it's got and make an appointment with the doctor. (I'm terrified of going to the doctor. The few times I have dealt with doctors regarding my mental health have been awful and have generally made things ten times worse.) BUT... hubby has been having some family problems lately, and his mum has just had some bad news, so now he's worrying about her and I can't bring myself to add to that pile of worry. I'm that desperate to vent that I'm writing this at work!

I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears and the only way to stop them falling it to hurt myself. All I want to do is bleed (or die - but that's another matter that I can't even think about right now because I will start blubbing like a baby). That's pretty much all I can think about at the moment. I don't know when the last time I cut was but it's been too long to be able to hide it from my husband if I falter. For now I've been able to stick to non-obvious things like fingernails/scratches/stabbing myself with a pen but it's not enough. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't do something to alleviate this burning desire to cut myself to shreds.

I want to stand up and scream I CAN'T DO THIS but I my body won't move and no sound will come out. I want to break and cry and show people what's happening under the surface but all I do is smile and laugh. I want to ask for help but the words stick in my throat and I feel like I can't breathe.

I am drowning and the only way I know to treat water is to bury the blade deep into my flesh and watch the blood pour out. But I can't let myself do that because hubby is the one it would affect and he has enough to deal with at the moment, without me adding to it.

I don't even know what I want from this post. I guess I just want to "speak" how I'm feeling and see if it helps to get it out there. Sorry for the long, ramble pointlessness... and thank you if you read all this.