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Old 30-12-2019, 07:24 PM   #17
Join Date: Dec 2019
I am currently:

Hi me again!
At the moment I'm feeling a hot flush all over. My parents are getting ready for New Year and I don't want to disturb them with requests like cold cloths and further tests. The last doctor's visit should have been enough for me. I want to help my Mum prepare for the New Year because we've got guests coming. But I'm so lethargic. I have been staying in one place a lot the last few days but when I try and walk it off I feel woozy and all the blood rushes to my head and ears. I keep having that anxious thought in my head that I'm dying.

Early on I said that I wanted a brain scan but the doctor told me it could expose me to harmful radiation. Why am I still not satisfied? Psychologically I should feel better after being told I'm not deathly ill but a part of me wonders if I still might be.

I remember a scary panic attack I had earlier this month - my Auntie was ready to take my cousin to school. He's only little and I must have scared him to come charging in and sitting breathless on the sofa. My Mum had to stay with me and get me through it but I kept begging her to phone the hospital because I was sure this was it. In hindsight it seems overdramatic and maybe it was but in that moment you're so scared you don't know if it's fear or illness.

At the moment, my thoughts are going "I'm sick. Why am I dizzy and weak? Why do I have a headrest? Is that pain in my lower back and side just tension or appendecitis? Have I given myself heart disease? What about Adult Sudden Death syndrome?"

Vicious cycle 😢

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