[Puck]

I was raped twice definitely when I was fifteen, I was in an abusive relationship with an adult and it ricocheted to very confusing memories when I developed psychosis, a lot of what he used to threaten me with is the very essence of my delusional world and I'm realising this now. It was to make me less legible to anyone I might tell. I've been told he sexually exploited me by my mum who was the only one who believed me all this time, she went to police talks on it and said I was prime victim for it.

She doesn't know he may have used me as payment so he could get drugs I say may because it's a new memory I've had this past week, but fits with what I used to say when I started talking. I didn't tell anyone for a year. Then they (camhs, the police, social services) didn't believe me at all using my psychosis against me) and they wouldn't treat me right so I said, "yes I must have hallucinated the penetration and got it confused with auditory hallucinations thinking there were people in the room" but there was evidence that they denied happened. They made me doubt the core of myself and I went silent I suppressed memories and stopped believing myself.

That was until I started dreaming about it again and then disjointed memories that became clearer and clearer and now most of it is in conscious memory I've openly said I was raped to some professionals and that I wasn't believed they believe me now but I don't talk about everything else, I don't say that memories disturb me so much because I don't want to talk within the NHS about it because they were the source of my ill treatment when speaking out. I don't trust any of them enough.

I wish there was an easy solution, I've been cutting myself to deal with memories I haven't got much control when they happen particularly new ones like last weeks. But it's ruining me, I'm cutting in easy access places and dangerously too, last weeks was my worse ever and the last time was second worst it's on my arms and I'm in training where they may see it I'm looking at long sleeves again for the first time in six years because it is obvious I am losing the plot and looks unprofessional. I'm finding hard to sleep and concentrate, and basically it is just affecting everything since I got my memories back, I have no self confidence I utterly feel ashamed and I'm washing so frequently my skin is raw because I just feel it'll make me feel less horrible, I can't bare the physical memories the touching and all that. My recent memory has the present memory because they are two of my voices, a man and the woman, they were the ones he took me to, and they both did stuff whether more than once I can't tell. I heard them shouting at me in the flashback and then it clicked, i never thought they'd be such a role, so they are loud in the present I feel close to bursting because I can't escape. I want to do more damage but I can't because my mum won't forgive me, I don't feel normal I feel crazy because I just don't want to remember and if I cut it will go away.

This has all been worse since having a cervical exam and smear, ten fold, I was fine at the time but since then I have been out of control I just don't know what to do. How do you cope and live? I just do unhealthy behaviours and I have nearly killed myself twice now unintentionally just wanting it to stop so it needs to change. I'd really appreciate anything, I am desperate.