Moved on another scary step in this very shaky & unsure journey I am on. Thought some more about how I find myself distracted when trying to discuss (or face on my own) deep & scary things. I realise it's AVOIDANCE.
By focusing on what is around me or watching others' reactions to what I say (such as my counsellor) it means I'm not totally committed to the conversation or situation & I stops my deepest feelings surfacing. I can block feelings/thoughts more easily if it gets too heavy. It can be like a brick wall sometimes. Once it's up, that's it.
I suppose the avoidance protects me from getting too deep into scary things for fear of how I will feel. My fear is the feelings will overwhelm me when my dam of repression bursts. It'll wash me into a deep, deep pit of darkness. Once in the pit there will be no escape & I will be swallowed up forever & disappear into oblivion. I've been in a place like that before & don't want to go back.
Today I have realised that when I dont feel good (such as having to deal with bad news, like I am today) instead of just letting the feelings out, or sharing them with a truster other, I'm still pushing everything back inside. Although I desperately crave attention & closeness, I worry that people are going to notice I'm upset. The result of that will be - they'll be kind, I'll get upset & then of course fall closer towards that pit because the intensity of my feelings will be overwhelming.
This seems to connect directly to how I am always "putting on a front" for others. This front stops them seeing how I really feel & means I dont ever get the attention or comfort I crave from people when I'm upset or down. But it protects me from the pit. Its a vicious circle. I know the only way to break that is take a chance & let people see when I'm upset but it's so scary because showing emotions is something that was disapproved of when I grew up. It frightens me.
I feel suspended between the safety of avoidance and perhaps chancing it by allowing myself to cross a flimsy bridge over the pit. I wonder if eventually I make it to the other side, instead of fearing the consequences, I may become able to show my emtotions & then feel the warmth, comfort & love of others.
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