Yeah, it's hard because I know other people can't see inside of me or feel how intense my pain is so if I use the same words to explain how I am a lot of the time then they won't know when things are worse. People only see my pain when I cry or something like that but I'm always trying to hold back from crying because it embarrasses me. I'll probably just have to say something like "this is worse than usual" or whatever, but I'm sure I have said that in the past and not been heard. It hurts when I'm aching inside and can't get people to see that.
There are things I could be doing during the day but I'm really not interested in most stuff. I tried to do some urban rebounding exercises at home last night and it was cringey even by myself so I stopped. I don't think exercise like that suits me, only the gym and walking but I only get to the gym once a week if I make it to the group. I looked into British Sign Language courses but they're all part of the way through and I don't think I want to do any more formal education. There don't seem to be any informal BSL groups or anything. I got a BSL book in the post today which I hope to make regular time to go through but again that's doing something on my own and my CPN wants me to be doing more social things.
Evenings are the worst, and I had a really terrible evening yesterday. I can't find things that I can focus on and I have a rule that the big lights have to be out at 8pm but there's not much I can do in lower light. I really can't be bothered with TV at the moment. I have ordered a reading light but the dark evenings make me tired and it's even harder to focus on reading. I'm not sure what to do because I am actually driving myself to self harm a lot of the time.
I was doing minor self harm in hospital when I could get away with it and it felt good to be able to do that and cause ok-ish damage in a restricted environment. When I wasn't able to self harm I felt like my head was going to explode. I'm only doing minor stuff anyway so it's fine.
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