So I've had another turn of events that is making life difficult for me as usual. I talked with someone who is one of my support and even though I know he meant well and I was trying to be encouraging I was left feeling like I'm expected to change before I'm going to be accepted and before people are willing to truly support me and be there for me. I know I'm going about this backwards. I've been feeling very alone and lost and lonely and needing people desperately. I mentioned this to my friend and asked what do I need to do because I don't want to make people feel guilty about what they're not doing and what we have been counseled to do in regards to showing love to one another and being there for one another. So he gave me some advice as to things that are part of my personality that he said can be overwhelming and overbearing to people and can be kind of a turn off. They're really rather insignificant things in my opinion. One is that I have a loud voice. Why would that turn somebody off I don't get it. Why can't they just Overlook the faults like we have been told to do? No I'm not expecting Perfection from them. It's actually more in the office at pain that I expect Perfection from myself because I already view others as Practically Perfect. I'm not meaning I think they are perfect because I know they're going to make mistakes. It's just I honestly do feel that people because they're doing the best they can are as close to perfect they can be at the moment. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm not really expressing myself the way I meant to. All I'm saying is that I've always had problems with if I can do something why can't everybody else? I view people are superior to me because my Bible training and so I naturally feel that if I can treat people in a kind and loving way and be there for them and support them and love them in spite of their flaws then why can't people do the same for me? So ever since his comment, I have been left with feeling like the people that I thought were my support system must view me as high maintenance and it would just be easier for everybody if I simply didn't exist. Yes I know they would grieve if I were dead and I truly believe and feel in my heart of hearts that secretly they would be relieved because they wouldn't have to deal with all of my crazy moods anymore. I'm just really frustrated with myself. I haven't given into self-harm recently directly that is. I say directly because I have given into a lot of really bad eating disorder behaviors. I'm just trying to have some measure of control in my life because I feel totally out of control. And yes I recognize that really the Eating Disorders in control at the moment. I just feel out of total loss. I'm tired of people treating me like I'm totally insignificant and inadequate and I'm tired of my own insecurities. I'm tired of people treating me in a way that says I'm too sick for anyone to help anymore. If no one can help me then what is the point? I thought I'd come to a level of acceptance, but how do you accept that there is absolutely no help and that your life is destined to be miserable forever with no respite? How do you reconcile the fact but no one has any answers whatsoever and keeps expecting me to fix myself before they're willing to give me any help whatsoever? I know I'm not working myself correctly or very well and I'm just completely discombobulated. I'm doing PHP right now and I need to have a very serious conversation with either the therapist or the psychiatrist regarding my suicidal ideation and eating disorder behaviors. I really feel that I got discharged from inpatient entirely too soon. Why in the world would you discharge someone the day after the adjusting saying how suicidal they are? I had just finished telling the doctor that I was actively searching for a way to kill myself while on the unit and then the very next day they tell me they're discharging me. How does that make any sense whatsoever? I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have been screaming help at the top of my lungs, in the middle of a crowd, and no one is paying any attention to me whatsoever. Or even worse oh, they hear me and they either don't care or don't want to help. I feel completely defective and broken and like nothing is ever going to get better. I feel hopeless.
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