I'm trying to continue fighting. It's just hard whenever I have the flashbacks, because it's so overwhelming and ends up paralyzing me as far as being able to do anything activity wise. It's so hard to think of myself in the way that I know I am logically when I've had so much done to me that makes me feel like I'm a waste of life. My favorite catch phrase anymore seems to be I've been used abused and discarded. Blocking out 30 years of sexual abuse and just becoming aware of it in the past year-and-a-half is overwhelming in of itself. To also know that my father is the cause of my eating disorder and self-harm ideation and suicidal ideations is just putting me over the top. My psychiatrist and therapist both say it should be a relief because now I understand why I was always that way and to an extent they're right. It is a relief to know that it's not my fault that I never truly desired to do any of this oh, and now it just feels like it's so familiar that it's impossible to stop. How can I reconcile that my father raped me for 30 years and sold me to other men to do the same? How can I go for 40 some years believing I'm a virgin to knowing I haven't been since I was 12? Unfathomable and hurts monumentally. My father used to say that if I wanted it to stop I'd have to kill myself and I attempted it umpteen hundred times. And yet I survived a chance that medical practitioners said I shouldn't have. With all of my past suicide attempts there is no medical reason why I should be alive. I know it's because God has saved my life because he knows that I never desired this for real. It was because I was under my father's influence. And so there's a part of me that is fighting so hard because I don't want my father to be in control of my mind anymore. And at the same time it feels like I have no choice that I have to give in to something he has told me my entire life. My whole life he told me that I never should have been born and that he always wanted a boy and he made it very obvious that he did not love me. It's very difficult for me to trust that others are not going to do the same to me and it makes me feel so much pain that I just want it all to be over. I'm not actively thinking about attempting suicide and there are moments when everything just feels so overwhelming that I can't stand it and want to end it all. Things can get very chaotic for me very fast and the time that I recently self-harmed was because I just could not stand all of the emotional pain any longer. I really just wanted to stop hurting and it felt like the only option was to cut. This life is a pain in the rump and I struggle everyday to stay alive. I already see a therapist twice a week and I definitely do not have the time to increase that because of my spiritual activities. It actually helps me more when I am engaged in my spiritual activities and around my friends. It's when I'm alone in my apartment. I feel loneliest and just have no motivation to do anything. It's so frustrating and I don't take baby steps. My borderline personality disorder causes me to do everything to the extreme. It's either All or Nothing. I hate it. Hate my life and hate myself as well for being so weak and unable to get better. Thank you for your support and I am still trying and really still not wanting to.
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