Thank you both. I'm doing my best to stay away from the bridge but I have a lot of anxieties about going there anyway, I don't want to drive there because it's hard to get to the bit next to the bridge if there is traffic behind and I don't want to get the bus there because it's near enough in the middle of nowhere and I worry that people will wonder what I'm doing although there are some houses nearby hence the bus stop. There are trees behind the bridge where I can talk to the men and prepare myself to jump off so that when I get to the side of the bridge on the road I can jump quickly so no one sees me hanging around.
There are 2 crisis teams in my area, one with the CMHT (called extended hours) which is only available until 6.30 on weekdays and 4.30 on weekends and one voluntary one which is available until 10pm every night. The CMHT one usually does an initial assessment then gets the voluntary one to do the support. What is offered is almost always phone calls and I really hate talking on the phone. They have visited me to talk face to face before but I get so anxious and dread them coming so I'd rather not have that. I used to know everyone on the voluntary team but a lot of people have left and new people have started. It might be a good thing to talk to someone new and get a fresh perspective but I just don't feel able to do it right now. My CPN said to phone her if I need to and if she's not there I can ask to speak to someone on extended hours. I always end up needing someone when only the voluntary crisis team are working or after everyone has finished. I'm going to the gym with a support assistant tomorrow but won't really be able to tell her how I'm feeling because we'll be focusing on the gym as a distraction.
I don't think I'm unwell enough to be considered for funding for a specialist unit. I know there's usually an in between well and unwell where people are suited for inpatient therapy but I don't think I meet the criteria and I don't feel comfortable asking. If it was an option someone on my team surely would have suggested it.