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Old 03-10-2018, 04:27 AM   #515
Straight 3
 
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Join Date: Aug 2015
I am currently:

Growing increasingly worried about whats ahead. I think its too late for me - I'll be 46 and the system doesn't care to help someone like me. We are considered damaged and a statistic; nothing more. Even if they put in the effort to help me get out of this situation, odds are that I'll never become a valuable member of society.

The trouble is (for me, personally), that I am well aware of my limitations and they (alone) bring me down without the help of a system all too willing to keep me down. I simply can't accept that I'm (not even) 1/2 the man I used to be. I feel like I'm trying to walk through quicksand and can never get my footing.. both mentally and physically.

My fear(s) are very real and I feel I could wind up losing what little freedom I do have if they only knew how badly I struggle with basic functioning skills. Some days (most days), I can't leave the house due in large part by crippling fear, panic, multiple phobias and outrageous OCD. I've hidden it from doctors and only tell my therapist what I want him to know. I guard myself because I know they consequences of allowing him (and my APRN) to know the full extent of my disabilities. All this reinforces my reasons for wanting to "exit" this world.

It seems pretty hopeless, and according to statistics.. I probably should even be here. While I pat myself on the back for being a fighter, I'm fighting a losing battle that I lose in the end.

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