I understand this too. When I try to look into my future, I imagine hospitals and doctors waaay before imagining anything 'normal' or being 'recovered'. Sometimes I get urges to let my depression take over and feel terrible just because I want to go to hospital or be sent to my psych.
Sometimes I feel like I have to prove that I'm sick by doing bad things rather than actually being urged on by my illness. Unless it is part of my illness? I don't know.
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